Possumblog

Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat.--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

REDIRECT ALERT! (Scroll down past this mess if you're trying to read an archived post. Thanks. No, really, thanks.)

Due to my inability to control my temper and complacently accept continued silliness with not-quite-as-reliable-as-it-ought-to-be Blogger/Blogspot, your beloved Possumblog will now waddle across the Information Dirt Road and park its prehensile tail at http://possumblog.mu.nu.

This site will remain in place as a backup in case Munuvia gets hit by a bus or something, but I don't think they have as much trouble with this as some places do. ::cough::blogspot::cough:: So click here and adjust your links. I apologize for the inconvenience, but it's one of those things.


Monday, July 07, 2003

Fun ‘n’ Games!!

With the amount of rainfall, outdoor activities were limited this year. We did manage to go by The Track and Ride the Wild Woody (no Andrew Sullivan comments, please), and there was the previously mentioned cement pond action, but mostly when confined to quarters it was everyone for himself.

I did get to do what I always want to do—mound up on the couch and watch The History Channel—got to see shows about Gatling guns, the Lear Jet, and the recovery of a World War II P-38 from a glacier in Greenland. Even the kids liked that one, although they fought tooth and nail for Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon at every other opportunity. By way of explanation, we don’t have cable, so anytime they can get access, it’s a marathon of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh! and Samurai Jack and Spongebob. And this time, I was introduced to the horror of Hamtaro. Must…kill…Hamtaro… Where’s a good .243 when you need it?

We took along Catherine’s butterfly-pattern hook rug, which provided several solid seconds of enjoyment for her. On the other hand, I found it relaxing and therapeutic. Still didn’t get if finished, though. And we all played several games of Scrabble, and Boggle, and Uno. And started all over again.

Reba brought her normal allotment of bodice-ripper Harlequin books, and I brought along a book I’ve had for a while and had never read— Albion’s Seed. Well researched, I suppose, but irritating as sin most assuredly. I tried, but after the introductory chapter about how the book was an exciting new look at methods of writing history, synthesizing “old” and “new” schools of thought with never-before-imagined curlicues and flounces and charts and graphs and flaming spider monkeys and mind-numbing compartmentalization, it was a book I just couldn’t put down quickly enough. I love history, but have little patience for anyone who goes to such tremendous lengths to tell me how great and wonderful what you’re about to read is going to be. All swishing swords and ululating, and you’re just begging Indiana Jones to unholster his revolver and pot the savages right then and there. It's probably a good idea as books go—just drop the pretense and get on with it.

Another one I brought along that I HAVE read before is The Mother Tongue, subtitled “English & How It Got That Way”. I thought it was an excellent book when I first read it, and upon rereading, I still think it's an excellent book. Breezy, but well written and informative and especially useful for those of us who make up our own words and rules of grammar and stuff.

Boring? Yeah, probably. But then again, as much as we run around normally, just sitting still for a minute was pretty nice.

Speaking of which, it’s about time to go for today. I still have a few more bits and pieces of vacationiana, and some really good reader e-mail that came in while I was away that I’ll get around to tomorrow. Right now, it’s time to get ready to go—tonight soccer practice starts back up for Middle Girl and band practice for Oldest, and I have to go pick up a picture we had framed over the weekend and then there’s finishing up the bedroom cleanup detail I started Saturday and…oh, you get the idea.

Anyway, see you all tomorrow, when we’ll explore more of the wonders of Possumland!



Vittles

One of the nice things about staying in a condo is that it does have a kitchen, which means you don’t have to eat out all the time. We got down about 3:30 Saturday, checked in, then went out to eat. (We got groceries later.) I just drove along toward the east looking for a likely spot, turned around at the Flora-Bama, and started back. I don’t know exactly what I was looking for other than some seafood and a place to placate the kids and on a whim decided to visit a place called Zeke’s Landing.

Now, from the street, it’s impossible to tell what Zeke’s looked like—it was back in behind a strip shopping center, and even after getting into the parking lot, it didn’t look like much. Heh. So, all six of us, rumpled and smelling like the road traipsed upstairs where we were greeted by a courteous young man in a tie and tuxedo vest with a towel over his arm. Oh. My.

Yes, we had run slap dab into a fancy place—within two hours of our arrival, we were going to have our most expensive meal. ::sigh:: Oh well.

It’s a real swanky place, but, this being the Gulf Coast, we were not the least bit underdressed, so I didn’t feel too much like a rube. And we did get to sit right in a corner table looking out to the marina and down to the place where Zeke’s fleet of charter deep sea fishing boats come in and clean the stuff folks have caught. This might sound really gross, but it was actually fascinating. And clean. No slimy guts and stuff, just great huge fish sliced neatly into little bits and quickly wrapped in plastic for the guys who caught it. Every few minutes, another group of guys would come in and the boat crews would bring their catch over in big wheelbarrows where it would be flopped onto big stainless tables and washed down and cut up.

Jonathan and I were the closest to the window, so we got the best show. Like when one group of about eight college-aged guys milled around with the ONE girl who had gone out with them. As if being the lone female didn’t guarantee enough attention, she looked a bit like those Anderson girls—Gillian from the neck up, and Pamela from the neck down. How the guys ever managed to concentrate on fishing I’ll never know, but they brought in a stack of amberjack that were the size of Volkswagens. “Look how HUGE they are, son! Have you ever SEEN such big ones?!” “No, Daddy!” (One day about five years from now, he’ll get the joke.)

Anyway, I had the fried snapper, and Reba and the older two girls got the fried shrimp, and Jonathan and Catherine got what all kids want from a fancy seafood place, the cheese pizza. Good food, but I still think the tab was a bit steep. So we left and went to Bruno’s and stocked up on normal stuff.

Sunday after church we finally got to eat at the Original Oyster House in Gulf Shores. Mmmm. Good food, good prices. And wonderful family entertainment in the form of an oaf making balloon animals. ::sigh:: Who just happened to set up his little table and tip jar right next to me, and directly across from a set of wiggly little children who belonged to me. ::sigh::

“Hi, would one of you kids like a balloon animal?!”

Catherine got a devilish look in her eye—“Cat, would you like this nice man to make you a balloon,” I asked.

Vigorous head nodding. “Okay, what would you like, young lady?” said he.

“A CAT!!”

He paused for a second, “Oh. Well. I don’t know how to do a cat, but I can do a dog or an elephant or a giraffe or a cow or a dog or a bird or a hat or a flower…” He rattled off a laundry list of non-cat items he could magically produce, but the flower is the one that stuck out in her mind, so a flower it was. She eagerly watched him blow it up and twist—all the time while he kept up his patented line of patter…”Where are you folks from?”

“Birmingham,” I said.

“Did you drive down?”

“No,” I said quietly. I stared up at him blankly. “We had to walk.”

Heh. That’s apparently not a response they teach them about in the Baldwin County Institute of Applied Inflatable Avatar Construction. I smiled to let him know I just playing, and he recovered fully. Then Jonathan had to get something, and decided he wanted a dog, which was efficiently folded and squeaked into being before his eyes and then we were paged to go to our table. Thank goodness. (And yes, I did drop a couple of bucks in the tip jar for the pneumoartiste.)

Got inside, and found someone ELSE from home, a young couple we go to church with and their family. Small world. Exact same thing happened last year, too, with a different set of folks. Anyway, sat down and ordered and was rewarded with a gigantic shrimp po-boy. Mmmm. I don’t even remember what anyone else got, except for Catherine who ordered a cheese pizza, and Jonathan, who got a pepperoni pizza. ::sigh:: Lead ‘em to water and all. Oh well.

On the way out, Rebecca decided she needed a balloon animal, so she was rewarded with a fiendishly complex yellow rabbit. And another dollar went into the tip jar.

Monday was mostly spent in the suite, as it alternately drizzled and flooded all day. It did let up a bit toward suppertime, so me, being rather oafish and dull, decided to go get some food for us so we wouldn’t have to get all the kids out in the rain. By the time Reba figured out a place for me to go, the weather had turned again, and I drove into Gulf Shores in the middle of a driving storm. Just the tail end of Bill, but a hefty and wet tail it was. I ran inside DeSoto’s Restaurant (sorry, no link) and nearly drowned. But I didn’t.

I should have called ahead, too, just to work out the kinks in their food prep and sales procedures. It bills itself as one of Gulf Shores’ landmark dining experiences, and most of the folks who care to leave a review of it on various forums speak highly of it, but it looks and feels a little worn down. And part of being a landmark is apparently that poor service must be overlooked—I swam in and there were two hostesses at the checkout playing cards and trying to ignore me.

“Y’all do have takeout, don’t you?”

“Uh, we do right now, but we might not later.”

Huh?

“Pardon?”

“Well, it’s not that busy right now, but later on if it gets more busy, we won’t have time to do it. When did you want it?”

“Ahhh, well, right now.”

“’K.”

::sigh::

After it finally arrived and I floated back down the coast to the house, it turned out to be pretty good food, despite the loving care it was presented with. I got Reba the grilled grouper, and I got a plate full of scrimps and ersters and flounder and crab claws and crawdad tails, and Ashley got a big salad. The younger kids had already eaten their fill of grocery store food, so they left us alone until later. Having to go out to sea and catch it like that made it taste all better.

Let’s see—we had a couple of fast food meals, and a nice meal at Jake’s Steakhouse which was just fine and benefitted by being dead across the street. Sadly, we did not get a chance to check out new Possumblog reader Dougal Campbell’s suggestion of Lulu’s Sunset Grille—it sounds great, it’s owned by Jimmy Buffet and his sister Lulu, and Dougal’s mom is the kitchen manager there. Maybe we can get by there next time.

::sigh::

So many fish, so little time…

Anyway, on to our next topic…Activities!



Now then, our next topic...Accommodations

We stayed at a pretty nice place in Orange Beach called Seaside Beach and Racquet Club in this unit right here. It’s right next door to the Gulf State Park--Romar Beach area, and convenient to many souvenir shops. Of course, there is little around there that’s NOT convenient to a souvenir shop…

This particular condo complex was recommended by Janis Gore, who along with her hubby, has one of the nice beachside units. We waited so long about reserving our spot, however, that we weren’t able to rent hers and Lyman’s swinging, telescope-equipped pad and had to settle for the “Tennis Villas”.

Not bad, though. Not right on the beach, but close enough to be in danger of being destroyed by errant hurricanes. The one we were in was clean, but beginning to show the signs of too many rentals. The bad thing about having a condo is that renting it out is just about the only way to make it affordable, but renting it out means filling it full of people who seem to think it’s a hotel that they can trash with abandon. Most in our part of the complex are built about like a Jim Walter home inside—inexpensive paneling and trim and finishes and the like—which would hold up just fine for something you, personally, use only twice a year or so. But they aren’t made for prison inmates.

The master bathroom was an especial treat. Ashley walked in and stepped in water, which I figured was the leftover mop water from it being cleaned. No biggie. Then, it was there again later. Hmm. No leaking sound from the toilet—must just be one of the kids. Then I was startled out of a dead sleep at four a.m. Monday morning by a constant dripping sound. I stumbled in and found the ceiling vent leaking water all over the floor. It didn’t occur to me that there was still one more unit above me, and I chalked it up to the torrent of rain going on (which turned out to be Tropical Storm Bill). Put the trash can under it and went back to bed. Continued to find water the following days, then finally after ANOTHER early morning wake-up, realized that I could hear sloshing in the tub in the unit above. Whoever it was seemed to like to take their bathies in the middle of the friggin’ night, and also like not having any freeboard between the top of the tub and the top of the water. At least I HOPE that’s what was going on. Anything else is too horrid to contemplate. Anyway, I told the girls in the office about it when we left, and they both sorta looked at each other funny. Hmmm.

The storm didn’t do any damage to the outside other than blowing some of the chairs around. This sounded something like standing in a large metal box while gorillas attacked the outside with sledgehammers. The balconies on the back were framed and decked in wood and were connected slap into the side of the building, which created a lovely symphony when EVERYONE’S chairs started doing the cha-cha. Strangely enough, Tuesday night was even worse, and this was long after the storm had moved inland. All night long, the deafening bumping and thumping of plastic chairs on timber driven by a near-constant 40 mile an hour wind.

The floor/ceiling separation wasn’t all that great either. You could follow a single person all around the unit above by listening to their footsteps. Which was interesting, except when they were running around in their lead diving boots. That was just plain loud.

The unit did have the advantage of being close to the indoor pool. Since most normal people like being out in the sun, we usually had this one to ourselves, so despite several days when we couldn’t get out, the kids probably got to spend as much time swimming as they would have gotten to do in the outdoor pool—even with sunscreen, we can’t keep them out too long. Of course, Oldest was beside herself having to be inside.

“What are we swimming in?”

“Water.”

“What’s in the other pool?”

“Water.”

“Alright then, hush.”

Nothing like a little logic to really make her mad. And it’s not like she can really even swim yet. All that money we spent last year on lessons, and she still won’t put her face in the water, and thinks that skipping across the bottom on her toes is the same as swimming. Catherine, on the other hand, having not swam since last year, managed to learn how to do underwater somersaults. I grabbed her and asked if she wanted to flip, which she eagerly agreed to, did that a couple of times, then she did it herself. Incredible. Then she started doing two, then three, and very nearly made it to four before drinking about a gallon of water. Then she did them backwards. AND THEN, I got her to dive down and do a handstand on the bottom of the pool, and then got her to where she could glide underwater from one side to the other. Wow. I guess we got our money’s worth on HER!

Other items of interest about our abode was that it was home to half of Trussville and Chalkville. We went out on the beach one afternoon, and ran into one of Jonathan’s classmates and his family who were staying there, who then told us of several more folks staying there. It was hard to go any length of time without seeing some big hulking kid with a Hewitt-Trussville Huskies tee shirt or a willowy blonde cheerleader removing a Clay-Chalkville Cougars shirt. (This being a family outing, I refuse to discuss this matter in more detail.) In any event, I hope whoever was the last one out of Trussville locked the door and left some food out for the dog.

Which will lead us on to our next topic in a bit--EATING,



The Backstory…

Okeedoke—so where is this magical place my family and I went?

L.A., baby! That’s right, Lower Alabama.

Now some of you may wonder why this place in particular, but the Alabama Gulf Coast shares with Florida some of the most beautiful, blindingly white beaches in the world. The Florida side, on the panhandle from Destin down to Panama City has always been a real touristy place, while the Alabama side was not quite so built up. Or expensive. Hence the sobriquet “Redneck Riviera”.

Dauphin Island, on the west side of Mobile Bay, is still somewhat secluded but it along with everything from Fort Morgan to Gulf Shores to Orange Beach to Perdido is decidedly much more Riviera than redneck nowadays. The Alabama side is somewhat more family oriented, while the Florida end is more heavily trafficked by partying college kids, but all of it has gotten pretty high toned.

And manages to draw folks from pretty far away. Saw the normal bunch from Tennessee and Mississippi and Georgia, along with a goodly number of folks from the Midwestern I-states, and one intrepid couple who lashed two kayaks on the roof of their Nissan Pathfinder and drove all the way down from MAINE!

You know, you really have to want to go kayaking bad to do that.

There were a good many folks on motorcycles, but this being the 21st Century, they were wealthy enough to be able to buy the whole outlaw biker persona at the Harley shop. I did feel kind of sorry for one guy who came all the way from Mississippi on a mildly chopped solid-frame Harley. Hardtail, indeed. The big winner of the long distance award, however, goes to some guy in a Chevy C-1500 who drove in from Alaska. That's not a typo--ALASKA!

Hey, Gulf Shores is nice, but I don’t know that I would drive 3,000 miles to go see it.

Which leads us into our next topic of…VEHICULAR MAYHEM!!

As for our drive down, the Honda did just fine. It was very nice not to have to worry so much about the possibility of breaking down, and it performed like a champ even though it was loaded to the gills. Got a bit over 20 MPG, and the kids managed not to rip or tear anything.

Of course, being anesthetized by having along a little VCR/TV combo tended to mellow them out a bit. Some of you may decry the loss of wonderful childhood memories of Slug-A-Bug and License Plate Bingo and Count the Possum Road Kill, but having once been a child myself, and now having four with deafeningly loud whine buttons, having an gentle, habit-forming electronic narcotic is a blessing. We were able to pass by most of the rest stops and purveyors of boiled peanuts (and REAL BOLED PENUTS, and GENUINE BOILED P’NUTS, and Fresh hot boiled “PEANUTS” IN “SHELL”) and made pretty good time. The only gauge of a successful trip, by the way. “Yep, rained a bit, but we made good time.”

Speaking of roadkill, seems there was less this year. I’m not sure why, but I really doubt it was a general increased sense of tidiness by ALDOT. I speculate (wildly) that since we’ve had a lot of rain this year, the critters have not been so pressed to search around for water and thus were less inclined to play in the traffic. Last year, I counted over twenty hard possums and four soft, but this year there were only about 16 armadillos to one possum, along with a porcupine, three raccoons, assorted furry things, and oddly enough, two big birds.

Several kind and considerate drivers did all they could to make me part of the count. Almost to a vehicle, they came from one place—metro Atlanta. I don’t know what it is about driving in Atlanta—the short distances between exits, the congestion, the crystal meth—but without fail if there was a car which came screaming up on my rear end (even though it was obvious there was a line of cars in front of me going slow), or which tailgated, or cut someone off, or drove like they learned how in Bombay or Caracas, it was somebody from Atlanta. Next worse were the ones from metro Birmingham, particularly Shelby County. Rude, hyperaggressive, and fully deserving to star in one of those nice films they show you in driver’s ed about the dangers of driving while stupid. I don’t mind people who drive faster than I do—I drive fast sometimes, too. But there is a difference between being fast and being quick. Quick means you anticipate more than one car length ahead of you, and you leave yourself some room to maneuver, and you share nicely with the other children. ::sigh:: Morons.

Anyway, we arrived safe and sound Saturday afternoon at our lovely condominium, which will get full attention in our next installment in just a bit!



L.A. CONFIDENTIAL!!,
or
Hi, my name is Bill, and I’m a tropical storm,
or
Veni vidi beachy, or, aw—forget it…too many possible titles. Anyway, as you can no doubt surmise, I have returned from holiday at lovely Orange Beach, Alabama to the lovely embrace of unvacation. Blah.

Got in here to work and it was just like I haven’t even been gone—of course, it’s hard to understand what I thought might change in seven days, but, you know, you sorta hope…

Anyway, I have a bunch of e-mails from you good people that I have to tend to—Chet the E-Mail Boy has them in a neat stack over by the mimeograph machine. He’s fine, by the way—he had eaten all of his corn flakes up after the first couple of days, but I think his lady friend dropped by and brought him some food because I found a Hardee’s sausage biscuit wrapper in his trash can. Whatever—as long as she’s buying, I suppose it’s okay.

After I get all of the e-mail sent out, I will be composing all sorts of lurid yarns describing our jaunt to the Gulf Coast and posting them throughout the day. Check back in periodically, and there will be all sorts of stuff. Nothing really different from what’s normally here, but it will be the very newest in repetitive mundanalia!


Friday, June 27, 2003

Hi! At us?

Almost through with putting this stuff to bed—still have my drawing to do—once more dithering around with the old Kress building I wrote about a while back. (You'll have to scroll down to the post for Thursday.) One of the various Banes of My Existence just came by asking if I had done it yet. “Yep—all I have left to do is to start working on it.” Bad person.

Anyway, I am technically still on my pre-vacation blogging hiatus, so as with all the other poo this week, today’s installment will be mercifully short.

COMMENTS Oooo—you people like your comments! Thanks to everyone who has written in. Some of you have expressed concern that Chet the E-Mail Boy will be upset, but remember he doesn’t read this and doesn’t know anything about the new feature, so he should be just fine. Unless someone tells him.

VACATION As some of you will no doubt notice, Glenn Reynolds and I are both going to be away.

At the same time.

It’s not what you think. Honest.

In actuality, although I may have given some of you the impression that I will be away near a beach somewhere, I will actually be at my house, guarding my precious possessions while cleaning and test firing various specimens from my arsenal. So nobody needs to come and try to steal nothing. ‘Cause I’ll be there. Just a shootin’ and actin’ like a raving lunatic. So stay away from the house. (Actually, I’m sort of afraid a burglar might hurt himself on all the avalanche of toys strewn all over the house, and a civil action by an aggrieved trespasser is the last thing I need while on vacation.) I’m not too worried, really—the elderly lady next door is very suspicious of strangers, especially when she’s got a batch of meth cooking up.

One kind reader, noting my girlophilic tendencies, asked if I would be able to keep my eyeballs from doing cartoonish bug-outs in the coming days in a bikini-rich environment. Well, yes, I like looking at non-males, but everyone should remember that my idea of an ideal vacation is being allowed to sit quietly in a comfy chair in a small, air-conditioned room with the teevee locked on the History Channel. I figure I will have one of these ideal vacations no earlier than about fifteen years hence (assuming the kids have moved away and leave me with a teevee). And that I don’t have to give Reba the remote.

As it is, I will go to bed around midnight tonight, get up at dawn, drive for many, many hours with people whose kidneys are the size of watermelons and whose bladders are the size of teaspoons, stopping along the way to look at large peaches and insane asylums and being cajoled to purchase charming, yet highly useless souvenirs.

Upon arrival, there will be enough materiel to equip a large army to unload and tote. Being that I am the only dad in the van, the unloading and toting will be on my action item list. Midway through unloading, I will be assaulted by tiny children who somehow managed to get on swimsuits, who will want to go get in the pool. I will protest, saying that if I had a little help, I could get the remainder of their ingots of lead hauled upstairs, after which we could all enjoy a swim; which, being a use of logic, will bring about a collective blank look.

Later there will be a trip to the store to get groceries, and later still trips to EVERY SINGLE beach shop within approximately fifty miles in order to purchase the finest in rubber sharks and colorful beach-themed doo-dads. There will be much swimming and the attendant necessity to haul my graceless large body from the cool water to make several trips to escort tiny-bladdered swimmers to the bathroom. And then there will be sand, grinding its brilliant whiteness into unreachable crevices which are not supposed to contain sand. And there will be the inevitable trip back. I am praying that this year will not see the need to creep all the way from Prattville to Birmingham as happened last year. (As with the link up at the tip, this is an Old Blogger post--you'll have to scroll all the way to the bottom. That is, if it actually lets you get there.)

Anyway, no matter what happens, it’s bound to be better than sitting here! So, all of you have a good time while I vacate—keep an eye on Chet for me—he’s already gone through half a box of his corn flakes. I told him he’s not getting any more, but you know how he is.

See you all after while!


Thursday, June 26, 2003

Well, now

The fellow from the dealership picked me up right on time, so I was able to get to the shop with time to spare. And since I'm away from work, what better way to use spare time than to run by the Trussville library and do a little blogging! I have a whole 45 minutes or so, which I have used to play with my BRAND NEW COMMENTS FEATURE and answer e-mail and look at the statuesque young lady across the partition from me who's wearing only a tank top, shorts, and a pony tail. Man, I gotta come to the library more often!

As for the Oddity, in good shape now, all of its vital essences refreshed, its rolly things swapped back and forth, and...and JIMMIED WITH by the techs. HOW FLIPPIN' HARD IS IT guys to just fix the derned car and not feel you have to scramble the radio presets and screw around with the climate control. IT HAS AUTOMATIC CLIMATE CONTROL--you DO NOT HAVE TO MESS WITH IT! Further, you really don't have to turn the volume up so loud on the radio. Especially since I left it off on purpose as an apparently much-too-subtle hint to leave it alone. Oooh--she's leaving now. Wow, what an armload of books.

It is nice, though, that they have a shuttle service. I didn't quite know how we were going to handle all the trips today--little kids to daycare, wife to work, me to work, me to dentist, wife to daycare to pick up kids, wife to home to pick up Oldest, wife and me to soccer park for Middle Girl's soccer camp, wife and remainder of kids to high school for Oldest's band camp, me to home with Middle Girl in time to go to bed. It's been a busy, BUSY week. Bec's soccer camp and Ashley's band camp run all week for an hour or three each night. Tuesday was even longer when I couldn't get the Plymouth to crank. Seems I drove it completely dry of fuel just as I pulled into the parking space, so I had to bum a cell phone...Good Grief!! Must be Supermodel Day at the library!...and call Reba at 9 p.m. to bring me the can of lawn mower gas, which contained only enough to tease the engine, thus requiring a trip with all of us to the gas station and back with a full can, which DID work, but then I had to go actually fill the thing up. Lesson learned. At least for a little while.

Design review meeting yesterday, then furious typing of minutes, then church last night, and then in late again, and then the deal with the vehicles today, and you know what? I think I'm going to enjoy being on vacation.

Reader Jim Smith from the entirely made up place called East Carolina says he wants me to write something about food since he's started the Atkins diet. I told him I would do it tomorrow, but since I have some spare time, here goes. Next week there will be luscious shrimp po-boys from the Original Oyster House, and crab cakes, and Greek style snapper, and grilled mahi, and crab claws, and piles of fried oysters and that's just for breakfast the first day. And what would a trip to the Gulf Coast be without a nice slow-roasted manatee! Mmmm. Save me a flipper!

Anyway, it's getting time to go to get my tooth refilled, so I'll return to my hiatus which will last on into tomorrow. Still have some notes to finish up, and a drawing to get done before I go on real vacation.

Mmmm.

Crabs.



Despite the fact that I am on hiatus, and that I will have to leave in just a bit to ride back to Roebuck and go pick up the Odyssey which is having its 30,000 mile cannon-shot-to-the-wallet, and afterwards I will be going back to the dentist for her to fix the broken filling in my upper left toothal region (which will also require the deft removal of more non-existent money from my wallet), I felt compelled to drop what I was doing as I feverishly try to get all my crap done here at work and take up the advice of the crowd of you who keep wanting me to add comments.

I have resisted doing this for many, MANY months--I have an aversion to anything else which requires me to keep tabs on something, as well as an oft-repeated disdane for comment section trolls, and those darned kids and their loud stereos and their baseball caps turned around backwards, and that moronic loud fat..er, ahem...sorry.

Also, as any of you who correspond via e-mail with me on a regular basis know, I tend to get rather wordy and long-winded and never can quite get the hang of letting go of a topic and always think that I have to reply numerous times until you all get tired of it and wonder why you wrote in the first place, which makes me think that if there's a comment, that I'll be compelled to say some sort of clever thing back until the whole deal gets messed up with my yammering.

Yammering I try especially hard to confine to the blog, because it's hard to come up with extra yammer material.

But.

All the cool kids are doing it. Yes, I know all the cool kids also have their own domains and something other than Blogger (Now With Less Crappiness!), but Comments is cheap to the point of being free. So, with no small amount of trepidation, I signed Possumblog up with HaloScan to let each and every three of you have at it and comment to your hearts' content.

A few rules--

1) Don't flame other folks. You got something to say to someone you don't like, take it up with them outside.

2) Don't use language any more vulgar than I use.

3) Don't be a troll. Despite being seemingly ignorance of computery things, well...trust me, just don't be a troll. You're life is unpleasant enough as it is.

4) I still have e-mail, and if Chet the E-Mail Boy feels he is being shunted aside, John Henry-like, for any of that newfangled fancy stuff, he will become despondent and stop taking his medicine and start wandering off again.

5) Ahhh, let's see...OH! Nah, I covered that...

6) Don't go all the way back to the start of this smoldering trash heap and leave a comment. Anything past about a week that you have a comment about should be routed to Chet.

Oh well, can't think of anything else right now.

If you have a comment, feel free to leave it--I'm returning to my hiatus so I can finish all this stack of stuff in front of me.


Wednesday, June 25, 2003

The New York Tartan

Thank you, Scotland! Rrrowwwl!

(By the way, Tartan Day is April 6)

(Also by the way, Alex Celini not only has a website, but an honors degree in psychology from the University of Stirling, as well.)

(And another by the way sort of thing, the flag of Alabama is a crimson Cross of Saint Andrew on a field of white.)



What the world has been crying out for--Google Introduces New Program to Sell Online Ads

'Cause you know, I really would like to see more adds for the TINY WIRELESS X-10 CAM!! WITH NINJA MOUNT!! SEE 4X AS MUCH!!





H.D. Miller at Travelling Shoes uncovers the shocking secret life of recently captured terrorist Khalid Shaikh Mohammed!!

(Wow, I bet those 72 virgins are in a swoon over this!)



So, where was I?

Oh, yeah! Boring you with the details—here goes: Friday, first night of soccer tournament. Jonathan played first, then Rebecca, and thankfully both were on the same field so we didn’t have to move. The fields were all soggy and slick and we weren’t on the regular field but over on the outfield of one of the baseball fields, which meant keeping Catherine out of the infield base track (a sea of sticky wet clay) was nearly impossible. Especially since the forty-eleven trips to the Porta-Lets required walking right past all that rich gooey gumbo.

And it was cold. Windy, cold, and no blankets or coffee or raging fires. And the kids lost both their games. Bah. Better luck tomorrow, when they will have had some rest and it will be warmer. Off for some late supper from Sonic, then to the house.

Got home, and was informed by Mrs. Oglesby that the kids had horse lessons on Saturday. “But,…what?” I said. “Remember? Amy’s mom? Told me that they had called her and the lessons were going to be rescheduled for 9 to 11 tomorrow, and that they can go and not miss their games?”

Well, quite frankly, my dear lady, I remember NO such thing and I dare you to come up with one single shred of evidence that you in fact EVER told me such a wild… “Tomorrow morning—9 to 11. Okay.” ::sigh:: I really have no recollection of anyone ever telling me, but why fight it? Got them to go wash the red mud off, then they were shoved into bed, while their seabags were repacked for the festivities of the morrow.

Woke up Saturday, showered, brushed my teeth, scrubbed all the little hairs off my face and got the kids up and into something horse-ish. Man, I really DID not want to go do this. Figured out the rendezvous time and place with Reba—she and Catherine would meet us at the soccer park with lunch at game time—and it was off to Camp Coleman. But only after having to pry Little Boy off of the TV. “Do we have to go [sniff-sniff, whine]?” Mom and I both—“YES! It’s paid for, and you’re going!” Great minds think alike. He shuffled on downstairs, “But I won’t know what happens to Yu-Gi-Oh!” “He goes on to a life of small bit parts in B-movies and winds up getting arrested for shoplifting—NOW COME ON!!” I did manage to check the news before we left and figured out that it was going to be warmer today.

Somebody was wrong. Again, cold, damp, drizzle, windy, muddy. What a crappy day to be outside for six hours. They got on their horses and went on a trail ride and I got back in the van and turned on the heater and read the copy of Military History I’ve been trying to read for two weeks now. Good article about a Ukrainian kulak conscripted into the Red Army and shipped to fight the Finns during the Winter War (suddenly, I didn’t feel quite so cold anymore), along with one about John Balliol.

They finally got back and then it was back to the park where they all changed clothes in the parking lot. (Well, more precisely, they were in the van behind tinted glass in the parking lot.) Got their junk and the lawn chairs and headed off to the field, which after a day and a half of play looked a lot like a feed lot. And it was slick. Lots of micaceous silty organic material—the grounds folks had straw down all around the perimeter of the fields (which are mostly good red Alabama clay) and were furiously sanding the muckiest parts inside the fields, but it was an ongoing and only partly successful battle. The kids thought it was fun, though.

I sat down and Rebecca and Jonathan went out and kicked the ball around a bit and Ashley sat in the other chair bitterly complaining under her breath about having to come to the stupid soccer park when she could be rassa-mumble—humph!grumble. I ignored her. Which was made much easier when someone came up whom I could make fun of. The other team was from Hoover, which is one of Birmingham’s wealthy southern suburbs, and one which is home to at least one guy who missed the plane to Hollywood several years ago. Gigantically muscled man, mid to late 40s comes walking across the field—tight black windsuit, hair slicked back, talking loudly into a cell phone held awkwardly to his ear in that weird muscle-bound sort of way—gets closer and I see that he not only has used the whole can of hair gel, but has the stylish, late-90s Steven Seagal short high ponytail back there, AND a lovely row of very masculine ear piercings. Wow. VERY 20th Century.

Trussville, meet Joey Buttafuoco. Joey, Trussville.

What made it funny to me was that I didn’t know they were from Hoover until later on in the game, when I tapped on his rock-hard bicep and asked “Hey, are y’all from Moody?” Moody is a small town east of us that’s mostly rural and DEFINITELY not Hoover. He was momentarily taken aback, as if he wasn’t quite able to process how I could make such a mistake, then grunted out “No, Hoover.” Thanks, chief.

Reba got there a bit before the game started and glanced over at our nice visitor and smirked and rolled her eyes. “Now, Reba, you be nice…” I said. She hid behind her hand and mouthed out, “Needs more grease.” I laughed quietly, mainly because I didn’t want to get the guy mad at ME—he had on his own little pair of soccer cleats and all I had on were some slick Rockport boat shoes. Even if he was too pumped up to move quickly, he would have had the traction advantage. (And the attitude advantage.) ((Of course, that tends to be negated by being surrounded by heavily armed rednecks. ))

Anyway, she had Catherine following along dressed completely in her uniform from the fall—bright yellow shirt and little tiny black shorts and black knee socks. “Catherine, why are you dressed like that?” Which I thought was a pretty good question, considering that it was cold and damp and windy and SHE WASN’T PLAYING today. “'Cause, Daddy, I wanted to wear it!” Oh. Well that explains it.

SO, we ate our lunch and then it was time for Jonathan’s game, which went ever so badly. Part of their problem is having next to no practice time, and it really showed. Jonathan got to play a tiny bit and ran in several different directions and I believe he even kicked the ball a couple of times. He had a great time, even if they did lose. As spectators, we had no fun at all—Catherine wiffled and plundered and chattered and wiggled and complained about being cold (imagine!) and went to the restroom constantly, which didn’t do much for being able to see the game.

Rebecca’s game was next, and although she did very well individually, the girls were much too passive—kick, watch it go to the other team, watch them run by and score. Not pretty.

Then, to home and it was time to wash all the muddy uniforms and the rest of the laundry and give the kids another sound scrubbing and get ready for church on Sunday. One bright spot was getting to fold clothes while watching To Kill a Mockingbird which I got on DVD a few weeks back.

What an incredible story, both written and on film. No matter how many times I read it or see it, it still has the same effect—beside the obvious melancholy, it also provokes a profound (but entirely friendly) envy of Miss Lee. I have received several compliments on my writing since starting this journal, and I am very grateful for having received them—but whatever cleverness comes out is simply from overhearing the conversation at the “big people’s” table at the family reunion. An excellent site devoted to Miss Lee can be found here; it includes a wealth of material, including a wonderful 1983 essay on Albert James Pickett, who wrote the first comprehensive history of Alabama back in 1851—
[…] Pickett's narrative of the sufferings, struggles, and massacres of the early colonists, the gradual opening of the region to commerce, the various wars and alliances of the three greedy powers--Britain, France, Spain--is one of fascinating detail. We follow the fortunes of the Sieur de Bienville, who must have been appointed governor of the French colony by mistake, because he was a decent, incorruptible and, on the whole, benevolent man. Along the way we meet the English General James Oglethorpe and his philanthropical experiment in Georgia, and incidentally get a glimpse of John and Charles Wesley. We meet schemers, rogues, and vagabonds; scores of minor characters come alive on the pages--one elegant lady on the razzle in the wilderness, claiming to be the Tsar of Russia's sister-in-law; the valiant Beaudrot, for whom many Southerners are named, but don't know exactly why; the Jewish trader Abram Mordecai, who spent fifty years in the wilderness and had his ear cut off for amorous dalliance with a married squaw. […]
Good stuff.

Onward, however, to the rest of my story—Sunday, get ‘em up, get ‘em dressed, get ‘em fed, get ‘em in the van, get ‘em there. Whew. Luckily, my 8th grade teacher showed up and so I got a reprieve, although my children did their best to embarrass their poor father after class.

As I mentioned Friday, it’s my month to do announcements, and before we start worship services, all the men who are leading prayers or songs or serving Communion gather in one of the classrooms to go over their tasks and talk football, while I desperately scribble down all the stuff written on bits and pieces of paper about who’s sick and which groups are meeting. During this time, we generally close the doors to cut down on distractions, but Jonathan was being pursued relentlessly by his little sister, who wanted to give him a kiss, which absolutely required him to come find ME. “Go on, son, I’ve got things to do.” “BUT SHE’S CHASING ME!!” “Go.” Five minutes later, they BOTH come back in and start doing laps around the table. “Where’s you mother, kids?” “She’s in her classroom getting’ stuff together.” “Why don’t you go find her?” “Because CATHERINE IS TRYING TO KISS ME!” “Go.” They went our and one of the older fellows said, “Kids are definitely for young people.” Amen, brother.

After church, it was back to the park for the final game. Jonathan missed his since it would have been started right about the time Catherine was trying to kiss him, but we were able to get there in time for Rebecca’s game (which was helped by her changing in the van as we drove to the park.)

We schlepped the lawn chairs back down to the field and found out that it was even colder than it had been Saturday with a chilly wet wind blowing about a hundred miles an hour [Cue: John Facenda intoning “the frozen tundra…”] (Of course, Lambeau Field sounds better than Trussville Soccer Park, but hey) and after about five minutes I told Reba to get herself and the other kids back in the van and wait it out or they would all be sick. Back up the hill with chairs and children, then I got a cup of coffee and went back down. At least this time I stood over on the player side, which had a screen of trees to act as a windbreak. And this time the girls played like they had back in the fall, with the added bonus of actually having some offense to match their defense, including one particular right midfielder, Number 17 Rebecca Oglesby, who just happened to be in the right place at the right time to shank a rebound into the goal! She was so very proud—she has come so close so many times, but that was her first goal in a game. She gave a little yip, and then was all back to business. They scored one more time in the second half, and the other team only got past midfield about three times.

Out to Big Dragon for a victory lunch, then home for a victory bath, then back up to the church building for some more meetings. After mine got finished I found the three older kids outside the door—“Where’s Mom and Catherine?” They just looked at me—“You mean, she wet her pants?” Nodding of heads. ::sigh:: I rounded them up and we went in and sat down in the auditorium and Mom and Princess Tinkle finally got there after the first prayer, and Catherine was a picture of a satisfied Wal-Mart customer. Reba wound up getting her a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt, since her dress was wet, and a pair of socks, since her panty hose were wet, and underwear since her underwear was wet, and a new pair of sneakers since all she had with her were patent leather Mary Janes and her other sneakers at home had been destroyed by constant playground abuse, and a new little zip up jacket since she would just not looked as cute without it. That was one expensive accident.

Finish and grabbed a bite to eat at Ruby Tuesday, which was very busy for some reason, and which caused us to not be able to have Jennifer the Perfect Waitress. BUT, it seemed not to matter to Cat, who proudly showed off her new ensemble to anyone who cared to look. “It has a girl and a kitty cat and I got it at Wal-Mart and I got some new light up shoes that light up when you run, see?, and the shirt Mama said I could wear again if I didn’t get nothing on it and….” On and on. She was wound tighter than a jack in the box. At some point in there, we got our food and I glanced over and she had sprawled herself at an uncomfortable angle across the bench—semi-sideways, head back, back arched, legs straight down, hands clutching table—she looked so ridiculous. “Catherine! What are you doing?” In tones of equal parts consternation and exasperation she loudly said, “I’m FARTING, Daddy!” Should have known better than ask. I’m just glad she waited till after church.

Supper and ritualized gas-passing complete, it was off to home then to bed, then to here.

So there you go.



You know...

I AM on hiatus and all until about July 7, but I just HAD to tell you that I had a wonderful lunch of kung pao chicken and hot and sour soup. And tonight? I'm probably going to eat some more chickenses, or maybe part of a cow. I like meat, you know.

Hmm?

Why am I coming out of my self-imposed exile to talk about my consumption of the cooked flesh of other sentient beings?

Because it just so happens that my good friends with PeTA have staged a massive demonstration in the park right below my window. Two big displays of their obnoxiously insipid 'Eating Meat Makes You Hitler' blither, and four whole people standing about, handing out flyers to the trickling stream of disinterested noonday park walkers.

O the humanity! How many innocent trees had to give their lives in order for these vacant-eyed poltroons to have the paper required to fill up countless trashbaskets! PAPER IS MURDER!

There's a couple of reporters down there now. A scooter cop is also talking to them, probably because they set up their two large, square, display frameworks right there on public property in the way of decent people who are not being allowed to fully enjoy their right to travel unimpeded by the Temperance Society.

Of course, the display frames are made of metal--metal extracted from ore...ORE GOUGED FROM THE BOWELS OF DEAR MOTHER EARTH! Rapists! How dare they use metal poles!! They also have big plastic banners hung from them--plastic, made from OIIIIIILLLLL, SUCKED FROM THE HEAVING TEATS OF MOTHER EARTH by various brigands from Haliburton and Exxon! THEY ARE OPPRESSORS!! Helping to fuel our country's vicious thirst for imported oil stolen from poor, ignorant peoples, right there with old Dick Cheney and George Bush! Shocking!

'Nother cop car just showed up, along with a couple of scooters and a couple of the security guys that ride around downtown on their bikes. Sorta late--the Vile Oppressors were set up over thirty minutes ago. I guess it takes a while for the word to get around.

I also notice that the Earnest, Yet Congenitally Stupid contingent now seem to be getting a citiation from the bike cop. Much to the surprise of no one. Which is exactly how many folks, other than the Petards and the media and the cops, are standing around. Wait, there is one big guy out there who appears to be trying to engage in some sort of discourse.

Poor big guy.

I'll tell him like I tell my kids, "Don't talk to crazy people. Ever."

The other scooter cop is back, along with the other cruiser, and a gray municipal car, containing, I assume, some minor functionary sent to tell them to get their crap outta the public right-of-way. Cops standing around being interviewed by someone from the local NBC station. Newspaper Guy sitting down on the steps. It's hot.

Hour later now from when the cops first showed up. Whole area still packed with no one. You know, it would be cool if Nikki Preede showed up! I'd buy a bag of pork rinds and run out there and share 'em with her on live TV if she was downstairs! Oh well. Maybe another time.

One cruiser gone, both scooters have scooted. Just one lone peace officer holding back the tide of anger. Newspaper Guy stood up and walked around some more. He's already talked to all four of the Prohibitionists, which I'm sure was the highlight of his journalistic career.

HOOCHIMAMA!! A really hot chick just walked over from the Courthouse--petite, blonde hair, yellow tee shirt, jeans--YOW! Thus proving that this entire movement is populated by cybernetic mutants, the guy talking to her was unable to parlay the images of sad-eyed moo-cows into an exchange of vital information.

Figures.

Although part of it could be that he's a doof in baggy khakis and Keds.

I will say this for them--they do a great job of displacing the panhandlers and bums. There's not a single one in sight. Ooooh, wait. There is one creepy-looking old bald-headed dude in a blue-jean jacket with a backpack. Ahh, nope. I think he's just an old hippy who, along with Roger Daltrey, did not fulfill his desire to die before he got old, and now has to live with the constant mistrust of others of his generation who are now well past thirty. He's sitting down now, too. Ewww--he crosses his legs like a girl.

All the cops have gone now. I guess they just decided to give them a ticket and leave. Oh well.

I think I'll go back to work now and resume my hiatus.

Hmm...maybe a nice big Sonic burger tonight.


Tuesday, June 24, 2003

I’m still on hiatus. Really.

BUT, when news of earth-shattering scale comes across the wires, ACTION MUST BE TAKEN!

THUS it is that while I was busily toiling away here in the salt mine (which is what we call a nice, air-conditioned office space where you have your own office and door and window) that I took a mere moment’s respite to refresh myself by seeing if anyone is still reading this crap since I said I was going on hiatus. Which I am still on, by the way.

Lo! (and, of course, what would Lo be without Behold) I noted in the referrer logs an unfamiliar visitor traipsing through the yard over by the gravel pile. I quickly hid to see who this might be, and after a bit of investigation found that is was not a revenuer or someone selling Kirby vacuum cleaners, but rather a fellow Alabama blogger who had been so kind as to include Possumblog upon her list of links.

As I am always on the lookout for new suckers erudite and sophisticated members for the Yellowhammer League of Authors, Poets, and Machine Operators, I summoned Chet the E-Mail Boy from his chambers in the basement and had him take down a quick note to this young lady, who has the very odd name of “Terry”. With his mottled and withered finger upon the telegraph key, Chet quickly tapped out a message of greeting, which was quickly responded to, which was in turn given a reply, which again prompted a response, that brought with it a response which absolutely demanded a response, which led to the need for some Absorbine Veterinary Liniment for Chet’s index finger. Properly soothed and anointed, Chet was able to finish his transmission of the Rules for Inclusion in the Mighty and Powerful Axis of Weevil. I must confess that in my desire to add yet more members, I told Miss Terry that we have a no-hazing policy. Oh well, what she don’t know, eh?

Anyway, she took the list and began the arduous process of filling out the application and sent the following:
Okay -- no problems with requirements 1 through 8 and 10. I was three years old when my family moved here in 1959. There is no better place to live on earth (well, maybe in a mansion in Hawaii).
Now THAT, my friends, is someone who LOVES Alabama! And Hawaii! And mansions! Anyway…
As for #11, my husband could do that. He's the trivia king around here.
Hmm. We’ve never had anyone want to cheat before…that takes some real “want to”! The Rules Committee states they are indeed impressed with this bit of inventiveness. But you still only get one Gift Pack. Onwards—
I don't own a pickup, but I have a car with over 150,000 miles.
As with all of our pickup-truck-challenged members, we make the same suggestions as in the past—get yourself a good Sawzall from the tool rental place and start whittling away everything from your car that doesn’t look like a pickup truck. After only a few short hours, you can make a dandy El Camino/Ranchero-esque vehicle that will look right at home at the country club or parked outside the county jail.
It doesn't belch gas too much.
Are we talking about the hubby again or something else?
I want a pickup. My husband has to borrow one to get the horse manure from a location near the arsenal into our garden every winter. We are getting tired of borrowing.
Well, if you got your own horse, you wouldn’t have to borrow a truck OR manure, but I guess that’s one of those personal choice sorts of things. (And who knew we still have horses in our arsenal!?)
I am learning about #9 right now, Googling as I type.

... glad to hear about the no-hazing policy. It is hazy enough around
Huntsville as it is.
Oooo. I sorta thought she might forget about the hazing thing. Oh well—she’ll figure it out after a while.

ANYWAY, and all that, by the great power vested in me by a small card I carry in my wallet, it is with great pride that I take leave of my hiatusness to bestow and endow Terry Matson of BamaBlog with all of the rights and benefits of membership within the Cotton State Cat Fanciers and Pistol Club, otherwise know throughout the universe as the Axis of Weevil.

As with all new members, Miss Terry will shortly be receiving the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for her fancy new pickup-that-was-a-car, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale. As an added bonus, you will receive a package of twelve greeting cards designed by our very own Jimmy from next door, whose “condition” has abated sufficiently to allow him to expand his rock-painting business to include handcrafted stationery. He asks only that you ignore the letterhead on the reverse side, as the paper was given to him by the insurance company when they changed names.

SO THEN, all of you run over to BamaBlog and say hello!

I would do it, but I’m on hiatus from blogging until after July 4.

Really.


Monday, June 23, 2003

Alrighty now! Well, as you all recall from the thrilling cliffhanger Friday, I WENT TO A MEETING! ::jarring orchestra chord::

What a fun and interesting time—we had sodas, and real GOLDFISH® CRACKERS from the good folks at Pepperidge Farm, Incorporated. (Be sure and check out their new Puff Pastry recipes—especially the one for Spicy Beef and Broccoli Windmills—which looks like an appetizing combination of offal on cardboard.) And hold your horsies—not only were there Goldfish® (some of which had been used as industrial desiccants), but they were swimming in a sea of MIXED NUTS! Yummy! You know, when you go to a fancy pants meeting, nothing says class like a can of Diet Coke and a Styrofoam cup full of stale salted snacks.

To make it even better, there was PowerPoint™! Wheeeee!!

Are we not at a stage in our computer literacy to where folks can at least change SOMETHING on the crappy 1997 templates which everyone has already seen about a billion times? If you’re intent on touting yourself as a hip, knowledgeable sort of designer—can’t you make sure your font usage is kinda consistent? Can you make sure all the words fit on the screen and don’t get cut off? You can’t? Okay, then let’s start the meeting.

If I was playing the Meeting Drinking Game, I believe I would have been sloshed in about ten minutes. What kept it interesting is that I decided I had better write the crap down so I could inflict it on each of you—no, you haven’t done anything to me. I’m just a mean, cruel, old man.

SO NOW—let’s begin…the first presenter got up and either didn’t say anything noteworthy or I was asleep, but the next person was fully cranked up. She opened up by dropping some “gold nuggets” on us, which is supposed to describe the stuff they do well. Thanks! Then there was some sort of thing about “earned level of experience”...I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but WHO CARES!! There was a rough patch soon enough, though—the dangerous game of sports metaphors. “We want to be able to, um, hit the ground. Ah, to hit the ball, and run with it.” Darned strange game, if you ask me. Perhaps as a nod to the nodding ones, she talked about wanting to “take the pulse of the audience”. Please, don’t take my pulse. JUST HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A MALLET! Wrapping it all up, she wanted to say that she was interested in “building a vision”. Much like working with Tinker Toys, I would suspect.

She tagged her partner who jumped into the ring swinging the metal folding chair of: “making synergies to create high energies”. Having thus clobbered us with this stunning show of gobbledygook, another jumped in and started piling-on: “have a synergy happening,” “the world has turned, and the tide has changed,” and “build a diverse, inclusive community.”

You ever watch a cockroach when you spray him good with Raid, and he flops over and wiggles and his little legs twitch? That was me.

But not to be outdone, it was wrapped up with another team member “committed to producing outcomes” and who wanted to “have some measurable benchmarks” so we could see some “tangible benefits on the ground”. Did you hear that? “Tangible benefits on the ground.” I write that down twice, because it is apparently so important in the scheme of things that the speaker said it twice.

Did I mention we had tiny yellow crackers and peanuts and Coca Cola? They created a very diverse synergy in my lower intestine, causing me to have a positive output.

I sneaked out a few minutes early and walked back up to my office—beautiful afternoon, and for once it wasn’t raining. Got back, checked my mail and hit the Weekend button. Got home, went outside to check on the vast acreage that makes up the Possumrosa, and found that the new experience of dry weather with sunshine was just the thing to crank up the dastardly Japanese beetle population again. ::sigh:: I figured that they would be back—the last time I sprayed the trees, it rained the day afterwards. They were all bunched up in the top of Cat’s cherry tree in disgusting wriggling wads that will be sure to show up in a nightmare sometime later when I least expect it.

Back inside, change clothes, get out the hose and the sprayer and the Concentrated Liquid Death and go to work. They seemed to enjoy the flavor very much, until they started dropping off. Looks like you boys got some bad fugu, eh?!

The rest of the afternoon was blessedly uneventful, aside from the extraction the other loose Little Girl tooth. It was way loose, so I just reached in her mouth and yanked it out after supper. “Thankth, Daddy!” You’re welcome, Spridget. Into the tooth pillow to wait on the tooth fairy, who after everyone was asleep was also very sleepy, but who still remembered to stumble into the bedroom and dodge the multitude of tiny toys strewn about the floor and exchange some money (that she got out of MY billfold ) for it. Then the tooth fairy collapsed into bed with Miss Reba and snored loudly until the morrow.

For one glorious Saturday morning, the kids did not come barging into our room to tattle or to use our bathroom, they did not fight with each other over a sock, they did not turn on every television in the house, they did not engage in bouts of loud, squealing, maniacal laughter. Just nice and quiet—absolute heaven. I actually got to be awakened by warm sunshine. That don’t happen much around my house. Finally got up and started moving around as Reba fixed us some breakfast, ate and then got outside to get the yard back into order.

All that rain we had certainly made the grass grow longer, although it hasn’t really made it any greener. All the weeds and stringy grass had gotten to be a big mess around the trees and planter beds and stuff, so I got out ol’ Mr. Two Stroke—haven’t used it since last year, yet it cranked right up. Which did my heart glad—nothing says Manly Outdoor Activities like a loud, oily, temperamental, snarling two-stroke piece of dangerous whirling machinery. Much like my underwear, the weed trimmer is disgusting enough that no one else wants to mess with it, so I get to keep it and call it my very own without fear that it will be used as wall décor or as a background for puffy glitter painting. I believe I am not the only one who thinks like this—witness the existence of dirt bikes and chain saws and old Saabs.

Got everything chewed to bits in short order (I got me one of them Grass Gator blades, you know) and covered myself with a fine coating of plant fibers, then got behind the mower.

I still sincerely believe if the leaders of the world were each given a lawnmower and a couple of hours of pushing time behind it each week that most of the world’s problems could be solved. The heat and drone and snootful of unburnt hydrocarbons and occasional bed of fire ants really help to focus your mind. Especially like when you’re being very careful not to cut down stuff that’s not supposed to be cut down. ‘Cause that would be bad.

Finished up and took a quick bath and ferried Boy to his friend’s house for a birthday party, which we had neglected to RSVP until about the middle of the swath through the backyard, which meant that the ferry ride to said friend’s house had to make a port call at Target to select an appropriate gift. I like Target—it seems to attract better looking cashiers and shoppers, but they don’t sell ammo, which frankly seems like a natural item. But it was convenient, and it had the Mattel Deluxe Exodia Monster, with Unique Battle Features, Lights and Sounds, which is somehow able to be distinguished from a host of other plastic crap only by nine year old boys.

On then to the checkout, then to the party where profuse apologies were made for being so inconsiderate and not calling earlier (which I blamed on everyone else), then back to the house for a bit to get ready for my teachers meeting at church—stuff to type and print, but I assure you none of it contained the words synergy or empower or Exodia. Got that finished, then turned around with the girls and ran and got Boy from his party and dropped them all off at Reba’s mom and dad’s house so we could go to the meeting and not have to show what bad parents we are by not being able to control our belligerent children. Having dumped my offspring, I swung back by our house to pick up Reba, who had stayed behind to get a shower and recover from a giant bout of malaise that struck sometime between the time I first cranked the lawnmower and the moment I got through cutting the grass. On to the meeting, at which approximately 8 out of 26 folks scheduled to teach showed up, two of them being Reba and me. ::sigh::

Finished up, and then it was on to our weekly trip to Wal-Mart, where we purchased many wondrous items such as shirts and greeting cards and a tiny plant and eight solar-powered walkway lights and the new Harry Potter and the Exercise in Successful Marketing and a some printer paper. Thus fully stocked with much needed items, back to in-laws to get the kids, then back to the house to install my eight solar-powered walkway lights and then eat supper and then go to bed and then once more snore loudly and then wake up and watch all the early Sunday morning home improvement shows.

Got up, got a shower, got the kids up and got them to get dressed, whipped up a nourishing and fanciful breakfast consisting of bowls of cereal, then stuffed everyone into the van and headed out for church. Another beautiful day—sky blue sky, air so clear that everything was as sharply focused as one of those laser printed photos where you can see every single leaf. Fantastic day. Good classes, good sermon, good lunch at the Chinese place, then back home where we did stuff, then back again for evening worship, then home for some homemade hamburgers, then time to pull YET ANOTHER TOOTH, this time out of Middle Girl’s head, then put the kids in bed then send the tooth fairy in once more after they finally went to sleep THREE FLIPPIN’ HOURS LATER. I don’t know what it was, but Cat and Rebecca both would not go to sleep. Too much fun or something, I don’t know. But they finally went away to Happy Sweet Fun Slumberland, and that fairy chick stole more money out of my wallet and stuffed it into the pillow pouch and then it was time to go to bed and snore some more.

And then to get up and come here. Whee.

I have too much garbage to get done this week—Cat gets to go back for her ear checkup, I have my normal exercise in bloated bureaucracy, then I have to go back to the dentist, and then I’ll be off next week—SO, this old pile of crap is going to take a hiatus until after Independence Day. Too much life in the way of productive blogging—I will be keeping up with e-mail, though, so if you have any comments be sure to share them.

All of you have a good holiday, and I’ll see you again after a sufficient period of recovery after being confined with four young children and their mama.



Well, now--what a wonderful weekend that was! You'll hear all about it later, because right now I have to figure out what went on then sanitize it so as not to embarrass myself too much. See you in a bit!


Friday, June 20, 2003

Oooo--work.

Just been informed by one of my betters that I will be attending a meeting this afternoon in which others of my betters who work in the private sector will be interviewed by still more others of my betters who work here. My attendance is required because...because...because it just is. No use having a meeting if no one shows up, now is it?!

Long, boring, full of fluffery. 'Give me a contract because I say all the proper buzzwords.' I say give it to the ones who have the guts to say they want the job strictly for the money. Or, maybe we could just give each project team a sack full of switchblades and let 'em figure out a winner on their own. (Of course, given my position on the totem pole, I would probably get stuck with cleaning up the floor and walls, so that might not be the best idea.)

So, then, today's funandgames ends now and jobly stuff begins in earnest. Thankfully, the weekend beckons (hi there, Weekend!) and promises to be full of sizzling hot suburban action--mowing, kid hauling, laundering, shampooing--all those gerunds...and more!

All of you have a good weekend, and I'll see you Monday.



The Intersect of Technology and Waterproofing

As you all know, this is probably the best place on the Internet to find out information about: 2003 e mail of caulking materials in japan.

What's odd, given the fine reputation of this site, is that Possumblog was the 58th returned result!

Obviously, someone out there really needs to know something about this subject, seeing as how they were willing to wade through 57 other results before deciding something called Possumblog might be of use to them.

So as not to disappoint, a brief bit of information for our querist is that it is no longer legal to e-mail caulking materials in Japan. After some initial success in small-scale tests in Kagoshima and Okayama, it was found that after the caulking material had fully cured, it made it impossible to transmit anything else over the e-mail, such as ready-to-drink teas or juices and tractor parts.

The Research Department hopes this helps.



Unsolicited Testimonial!

Seeing as how my $40,000,000 Nike shoe endorsement contract has still not come through, I guess I might set my sights a bit lower. I might be able to get a bucket of bird seed out of this, but I am ready to say that I think I have found the best bird feeder out there.

I went out yesterday when I got home and emptied out the remainder of the seed from the three I purchased recently, and despite the near-daily deluges, every single one was dry inside. AND DESPITE a voracious squirrel and dove population, they have successfully withstood their assaults and provided a variety of tiny little wing-ed friends with tasty victuals.

The feeders in question are made by Heath Manufacturing up in Coopersville, Michigan, and the one to get is the Mixed Seed Feeder Combo.

This one is more expensive than their other ones, because it comes with a neato plastic scoop with a filler spout running through the handle and with metal perches and a metal cap and a feeder tray.

NOW then--the feeder tray is a no-no, unless you're just TRYING to give a place for squirrels to hang on and pigeons to wallow in, so don't put it on. The other tube feeders they sell, without the scoop and tray, have plastic or wood perches, which again are no-no. Wood rots, and both wood and plastic are very susceptible to being pecked away to flinders. You need metal. But, since you only get metal perches when you buy the Combo package, what this means is if you wind up buying more than one feeder, you wind up with extra scoops and trays that you don't need.

Luckily, these make charming gifts for people you don't like that much.

These feeders have done very well--they are reasonably water resistant, and what water does get in either drains or evaporates quickly enough that the seed doesn't sprout. They are slick and round, which make it hard on the fuzztailed tree rats to get a foothold. The perches are short enough, too, to make it hard for them to get their corpulent little bodies over to the spout to feed on them, as well as being too small for larger birds like doves and buzzards to alight on them.

I give it the Possumblog Lackadaisical Housekeeping Seal of Approval!

(Note to the good folks at Heath--I will be glad to serve as your celebrity spokesmarsupial. Again, just a bucket of seed or two in compensations will be just fine. Maybe some money, too. But not more than maybe six or seven mil. Unless you're feeling generous.)



As if...

...I didn't have enough fun being a mindless bureaucratic automaton, I am now taking it out on my neighbors! I got appointed to our little town's Board of Zoning Adjustment, and last night was my first meeting. I'm a supernumerary member, but since there were only three of the regular members there, I got to vote.

Luckily, nothing too complicated, and the meeting was over in about thirty minutes or so, after which I got to jabber with one of the guys on the board who has a whole collection of oddball old cars he keeps parked behind his business. I have driven around there several times, just to peak at them, so it was nice to finally meet the guy. Odd little collection--mostly stuff from the mid-'60s--he bought a bunch of them to celebrate the opening of his business 40 years ago, and the rest just have some sentimental value for him. Couple of '54 Plymouth sedans (they look a bit like this one), an International Harvester Metro Mite (which looks NOTHING like this one), a '65 Impala convertible, a '64 or '65 Galaxie 500, a '54 Ford Victoria (cool, daddy-o!--in great shape, looks like this one except in bright yellow and black top), a '65 Catalina four door hardtop (that I have always like, but he said he just sold it. Oh well, it didn't have air, anyway), and a really cool 1955 Studebaker Speedster, the progenitor of the snappy Hawk models. This is probably the coolest of the bunch--here's an ad from way back when--"lightning on wheels! Styled for action! Powered for thrills!" (with nary a disclaimer from the lawyers), and here's a picture of one similar to his, and here's something from a guy with WAY too much time on his hands. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Anyway, he's an interesting fellow.


Thursday, June 19, 2003

Hmph! It's almost 5, and yet another gigantic thunderstorm has just billowed up and sits over to the east all full of thunder and lightning and gigantic killer raindrops, repeating a pattern begun three days ago. ::sigh::

Oh well. Nothing keeps you awake on the ride home like sudden hydroplaning. Which is a shame, cause I would sure like a nap.



McDonald's curbs antibiotic use in meat

Oh GREAT! There goes the REST of the flavor!



Tendency to be shy may be inherited

Well, if it's inherited, I would think that the person passing it on wouldn't be THAT shy, if you know what I mean...



Is that a spear tip in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?

Vulcan gets his arm back on--looks like they just got finished as I post this, as the crane is still hooked up to the arm.

(A reminder--this webcam works very much betterer in the daylight hours. If you happening to be visiting Possumblog between about 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. Central Standard Time and click on it, it's just going to look about like a picture taken from inside a bottle of India ink.)



Dadgummit, nobody ever tells me NOTHIN'!

Just doing a quick stroll among my links up there, and find out that Gregory Hlatky has gone and moved A Dog's Life out of the cesspit of Blog*Spurt to its own domain, and he's started using that neato Moveable Type stuff all the cool kids are talking about!

Good looking site, Greg, and all of you will be grateful to know that HIS Possum is much prettier than me.



Adventures in Headline Writing: Harry Potter Author Suing Mad

Of course, there is only one suitable response.



The Pride of Vidalia

Having suffered the indignities of rough-handed brutes who poked around in her interior spaces, Miss Janis wishes for some coffee. And Fabio with coffee.

Having none to offer of either, I beg forgiveness, but do send my wishes for a speedy recovery.


Fabio? Fabio!?



Weevilly Realignment!

A head's up, there Kris--Lorna in Personnel gets all upset when you don't fill out a change of address card! Kris Vilamma takes Kathy Kinsey up on her offer of cheap hosting and moves The World Around You to a NEW place called http://theworldaroundyou.com/.

(Wow--I wonder how he got all that money--$4 a month! Must be dipping into the Coke money or something...)



Just a thought, but really now, should anyone named Ned Ludd "Orrin" be in charge of anything?

I'm being mean, of course. Actually, his ideas have some merit...who wouldn't like it when their car exploded after going over the speed limit (after two proper warnings, obviously), or maybe having the Xerox machine do the old Mission: Impossible smoking-tape-recorder number when you make that third copy of an article in Time, or maybe the little clothes tag that shoots die out when you leave the store can just blow up. See?! Is that so wrong?

Now then...you guys at the RIAA! Where's my check!?

'Orrin.' 'Orrin'! Sheesh.



Wow. Looks like I am going to have to get TiVo--Gore considers starting cable network
The Associated Press
6/19/2003, 10:03 a.m. CT

NEW YORK (AP) -- Former Vice President Al Gore, once a newspaper reporter, may be getting back into the media business.

Gore has been meeting with potential investors interested in creating a cable television network, Time magazine's online edition reported Wednesday.
230 channels and STILL nothing on. O for the days when there were only three channels, and a remote control was handing your kid a pair of pliers to turn the dial.
There's been a lot of talk in Democratic circles about launching a media enterprise to counter dominant GOP voices. Political talk radio is dominated by conservative voices and Fox News Channel, the top-rated cable news outlet, is also very popular among conservatives. [...]
Good grief, can't these filthy liberals just watch porn?!
A television executive who has had discussions with Gore said the idea is in its "embryonic" stages.
Well, let's hope someone exercises their "right to choose."
But it's not a liberal version of a cable news network, said Steve Rosenbaum, head of the New York-based documentary producers Camera Planet.
Uh-huh.
Gore was a fan of "Unfiltered," a series Camera Planet produced for MTV that put cameras in the hands of viewers. The idea of empowering viewers is "philosophically appealing" to backers of a new network, Rosenbaum said.
Poor MTV. I remember when it was cool.

Oh well. Good way to suck up some cash from well-meaning folks, I suppose--the very fact that the backers find the idea of empowering [aak!] viewers to be "philosophically appealing" [spttth!] means that loud hammering you hear is a couple of guys putting the nails in the coffin. (Sure wish they could have worked "synergistic" and "holistic" in there, too.)
"The only thing I'm confident of is that it will look like nothing you've ever seen on television, which is part of the excitement of it," Rosenbaum said. [...]
Wow. Nothing like having confidence, eh?

Anyway, I've said it before, I'll say it again--if you want to see something exciting and like nothing else you've seen on television, I've got the first 26 episodes of PossumblogTV already written. Call me--we'll talk.



I like the statue of Vulcan and all, but I like this one better.

Thanks, France!



Really, now...

...going for your regular teeth cleaning at the dentist is not that bad. There are worse things...like, maybe you're walking down the street and are suddenly and vigorously assaulted with a hedge trimmer wielded by a lowland gorilla in a fit of catamitic fury. That would probably be worse.

It wouldn't be quite so bad except for that little scrapey deal that manages to find EVERY. SINGLE. sensitive spot and whose main use is to make holes in your gums. Ouch. (You know, it's probably not merely a coincidence that Don Herbert came up with the name "gom-jabbar". He probably had a very bad experience with a hygenist and her gum jabber.)

Anyway, aside from a broken filling, I was in good shape, and Cat was in even better shape. Still has a wiggly lower front tooth that she refuses to let anyone pull, but aside from that she has a mouth like a piranha. They did her work first while I waited in the room next door, which meant that she was on the loose as I was upside down in the chair. I opened my eyes once to see my hygenist to one side, and the manically grinning visage of my child inches from my face right above my eyebrows..."OOOohhh, what's THAT!?!" Blah, blah, blah BLOOD blah blah fillings blah. "Does he need MORE HOLES!?" No, dear, Daddy doesn't need more holes. She continued to pester the hygenist, who actually encouraged such behavior, and even got Cat to hand her the Mr. Sucky device and long pieces of razor wire floss. I believe my child actually enjoyed having Daddy indisposed while she contributed to his discomfort! Hard to imagine.

By the time we got out, the next round of flooding had started. Tuesday afternoon at 5 on the nose, it came a deluge that lasted for several hours, and reflooded all the low areas around Pinchgut Creek again--not quite so bad as before, but bad enough when you own a business down there and still haven't finished cleaning up from the last time. Then, like clockwork yesterday, it all started up again. Both times, huge downpours that go on and on. It finally gave up around 7 last night.

Makes for interesting visitors, though. Got back from church last night and Reba told me that she had seen a frog out on the back porch sometime earlier, so she went out there and sure enough, he was up in one of Jonathan's pots of tomato plants. He hopped off into the hosta beside the kitchen window, probably to go find Mrs. Frog and fill up the planter bed with a billion peeping offspring. Hard to believe something so small can be so loud, but then I look at my kids...

I came out after her and looked around a bit--it was dark, but I was able to make out the outline of Kelly the Bunny out by the bird feeder. She's gotten to be a regular--I called Catherine to come down and take a look.

"Kelly's my FRIEND, Daddy!" Shhh. We stood there and watched and would take a step or two after a moment. Finally got to about 15 feet away before Kelly the Bunny turned and sort of half-hopped into the darkness over by the swing set--"Time to tell Kelly night-night, sugar." Which someone did not want to do at all. But she finally did, although only after being assured that Kelly would come back and visit and tell her all about her little rabbity house and her shoes and her toothbrush and her bird friends and Mr. Crow and Mr. Frog.

Should be interesting.

Anyway, I have more workly crap to get done this morning to make up for being out yesterday, so I will see you all in a bit.


Wednesday, June 18, 2003

EEK!

Forgot I have a dentist appointment in an hour! And I have to take Tiny Girl with me! See you all tomorrow!





What was Kim talking about?
Between Kelley's Athens flashbacks, Possumblog's shots of the rebuilding of the ass of Vulcan [the Birmingham statue that scared the beejeepers out of me as a kid (see that torch, boy? It's RED. That means somebody got slaughtered on the highway tonight, so sit down, let me drive, and shut your pie hole!)] ...
Ahh, the torch. Well, you see, it wasn't always a torch he was holding. Back when he was first built, he was holding aloft a spear point that he had just hammered out for Zeus or Mars or somebody. But then...
[...] The famous red and green torch Vulcan held from 1946 until 1999 is set to become a part of the statue's past, not his future.

The neon lights were added by the Birmingham Jaycees to give the statue an added purpose. A green torch meant no one had died in the Birmingham area in the past 24 hours in a traffic accident. A red torch signified a death.

The torch was actually a cone-shaped sheet of metal with 16 long neon bulbs that alternated red and green. A switch in the guard tower chose the color each night.

The torch apparatus covered a replacement spear point that was downright dainty in comparison to the original sculptor Giuseppe Moretti put in Vulcan's hand for the St. Louis World's Fair in 1904.

The replacement spear was made sometime in the late 1930s for Vulcan to hold when he was originally placed on the pedestal atop Red Mountain.

Historical and artistic purists have bemoaned the torch and even the wimpy spear, arguing it made Vulcan something not intended by its creator. [...]
Yep, the "electric popsicle". Of course, poor Vulcan has suffered such indignities all along--when he was finally brought back from St. Louie, they put him out at the State Fairgrounds, where his spear-holding arm was put on upside down, and where he was used to hawk Heinz pickles and Liberty overalls (a pair of which were painted on him), until he was rescued and perched up on Red Mountain.

And now, they have gotten his big old head back on! Only his spear arm remains to be placed, and he'll be alright again. They still have to finish the park and visitor center, but it's good to be able to look up and see him whole again.



Oh, you!

You thought Francesca Watson and I were SOOOO silly for coming up with the Jessica Rabbit petition deal way back when...well, bucko, look what Mr. Bleaty came up with this a.m.:
Aaannnd . . . I cracked open the Special Extended Nineteen-disc DVD of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Didn’t watch the movie; I’m not sure I want to. Someday when Gnat can understand it, perhaps. I bought it for the “Roger Rabbit” shorts, which I’d never seen. I watched one. It was exhausting. It set my teeth on edge from the start, and it was mostly bad until the end. Like the movie, it was loud beyond belief and pointlessly frenetic; it JUST - KEPT - HITTING - YOU - ON - THE - HEAD with a FRYING - PAN until you gave in and said ha, ha already. As much as I enjoyed Bob Hoskins (the thinking man’s Phil Collins!) and Jessica Rabbit (jeezum crow, how many 13 year old boys spontaneously exploded in a shower of shameful meat when she did that song? ), the film is a great disappointment. The fault lies with Roger Rabbit. He’s incredibly annoying. Whenever he’s on screen it’s like you’re flossing with an emery board.

Would it be better as a CGI feature? Maybe so. Maybe the toons really needed to be three-dimensional for the idea to work.
As we've always known, Jessica needs her own, SOLO, 3-D extravaganza. Dump the Rabbit, toots.



This just in from CNN--Coalition captures Gen. Abid Hamid Mahmud al-Tikriti, Saddam Hussein's personal secretary and number four on list of most wanted Iraqis, Pentagon sources say.

Man, I would hate to be Saddam's secretary--always with the leering and the looking down your uniform and groping your butt.



You know, this world need more goose-stepping Chinese girls.



Extending Alabama’s Cultural Hegemony, One Blog at a Time

The infestation continues! They’re coming out of the woodwork like, like…bugs that come out of woodwork! Your organophosphate-based pesticides such as Malathion are NO MATCH FOR US!!! BWWWahahahaHHAHAHHAHAHA!

Ahem. Pardon me.

Anyway, yesterday a nice young fellow came to the front door and rang the buzzer here at the spacious and palatial Axis of Weevil World Headquarters. Thinking he was one of those college kids selling magazines, I at first was merely going to turn the garden hose on him and run him off, but fortunately I had the restraint to first find out his business, and I’m glad I did! It seems he had walked all the way from Prattville, Alabama (site of one of my fondest recollections—late night, on the road, Waffle House, coffee, a chatty young waitress…but I digress) to apply for membership in the Cotton State Journal Club!

I invited him in and sent him to the interrogation room (which is usually where we store the mop) and asked him if he was sure he knew what he was asking—after all, some do not fully appreciate Groucho Marx's suspicion of not wanting to be a member of club that would have him as a member. He assured me that he was eager to join, despite the expected jeers and taunts of lesser souls, so I slid an application and a pencil under the door--
The primary qualifications are these:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama


Born in? No
Now live in? Yes
once lived in? More than once
would like to live in? Get back to me after September 9th

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

I confess

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

I'm an expert pretender
Which, of course, calls for an obligatory link to musical lyrics.
4) Functionally literate

What is the precise definition of functionally?
You must be able to know what the definition of “is” is.
5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

i DON'T kNoW wHaT yOu'RE TALKING ABOUT
DON’T GET CUTE, FUNNY BOY!!
6) Update your blog more than once a month

I pledge to update every day I can get to a computer

7) Willing to be made fun of

Just ask my family, friends and co-workers, happens all the time

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

Just read my blog, happens all the time

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

http://www.m1911.org/images/jmbrown.jpg

Can I hang it upside down?
Hmm. This was very, VERY troubling…does this guy have something against Mormons? Inventors? Machinists? Gu…no, silly me, he can’t have something against guns—they’re just inanimate objects, after all. Then I figured it out!! Clever Kristopher—he’s obviously well aware of one of the subtle genius of Browning as witnessed in the M-1911 feed system.

As you all know, the 1911 uses a “controlled round feed”, i.e. the cartridge is at all times secured within the action—by the feed lips of the magazine, by the breechface and the extractor, or by the chamber. At no time is the cartridge allowed to “float”, or have to transverse any length of the distance between the magazine and the chamber, in which the cartridge is not firmly held. Some semiauto designs require that the cartridge jump a short distance to the feed ramp while not fully in contact with the extractor, which can lead to jamming if the pistol is jostled during the feed cycle, or if it is held any position other than right-side-up and level. The Browning controlled round feed cycle as found in the M-1911 and variants, however, allows the pistol to be held in any position during the firing and cycling sequence, EVEN UPSIDE DOWN, and continue to function normally. This can be very useful in military situations in which a soldier is not able to get into a standard stance, or when filming various John Woo action movies.

SO, as a fitting and clever homage to the genius of John Moses Browning, the picture may be installed as proposed.
10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

Check...have four backed up on my nightstand at the moment and gave up on John Adams a month back.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

My life story can be told using the dialogue from Holy Grail (you can draw your own conclusions) I've got Holy Grail covered, but I'll have to brush up on Andy.
Well, can’t we all. I recommend that you purchase the entire show on video in order to assist in this effort. They are available in the World Headquarters Gift Shop, and right now they are running a special where you can get an autographed rock from Howard Morris which was actually used in filming one of the various Earnest T. Bass episodes. These come in a lovely collector-quality Zip-Lock plastic bag and are accompanied by a Certificate of Authenticity printed using a genuine laser printer.
12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

No pickup yet, but I've been living here long enough to have a hankerin' for a big diesel
Well, who doesn’t have a hankering for a nice F-350 with a Power Stroke! And they don’t need a can of ether, either!

Well, looking over the application, it’s obvious that Kristopher is rather hopelessly well-qualified for admission, and since he did not attend the University of Alabama, I get to claim him as a fellow Auburn fan! (Not that Purdue is bad or anything—they do have cheerleaders, after all)

SO THEN BE IT ORDAINED, by the power vested in my by Kelly the Bunny, who just last night was seen hopping through my backyard, that one Kristopher Vilamaa is hereby inducted into the powerful and mighty Alabama Society of Theater Arts and Carburetor Repair, otherwise known to the world as the Axis of Weevil, with all of the misery and woe descending thereto.

Welcome to the krewe, Kris, and as with all new members, you will shortly be receiving the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for your soon-to-be-delivered pickup truck, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale. AND THAT’S NOT ALL—Just this morning we received a valuable package of coupons in the mail which are worth over $15!! You are welcome to ALL OF THEM! (Except for the one for free starch at Dale’s Laundry—that one’s mine And the one for the free cuticle trim at Kim’s Nail House.)

So, everyone go be nice and say hey!


Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Just got this from Lawyer Friend Jeff (not the same guy as My Friend Jeff™, who is an architect like me). I realize since it came from the magical e-mail box, it's probably been around the world several times, but it's the first time I'VE seen it, so I'll plop it out there:
JESUS AND THE REDNECK

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea and add it to his bill.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over yonder?" The waitress nodded, so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke and put it on his check.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength coming back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus then passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH ME.....I'M DRAWIN' DISABILITY!!"



Government Troops Suffer Over 1000 Casualties Battling Armed Militants

From the Library of Congress:
On June 17, 1775, American troops displayed their mettle in the Battle of Bunker Hill during the siege of Boston, inflicting casualties on nearly half of the British troops dispatched to secure Breed's Hill (the actual site of the battle).

More than 15,000 colonial troops defended Boston at Breed's Hill, Bunker Hill, and Dorchester Heights following the battles of Lexington and Concord. African-American soldiers comprised approximately one-third of the rebel troops.

Five thousand British troops under the command of General Gage stormed Breed's Hill, where colonial soldiers were encamped. In their fourth charge up the hillside, the British took the hill from the rebels, who had run out of ammunition. The last rebels left on the hill evaded capture by the British, thanks to the heroic efforts of Peter Salem, an African-American soldier who mortally wounded the British commanding officer who led the last charge.

After suffering 1,000 casualties during their charges on Breed's Hill, the British discontinued their assaults on rebel strongholds in Boston. When George Washington assumed command of colonial forces two weeks later, he garnered ammunition for Boston troops and secured Dorchester Heights and Bunker Hill.
I'm sure crazy ol' GR III looks on the firearms laws of the Commonwealth with awe now, wishing he had instituted the same thing when he had the chance.



Why, this is just surreal: Four correction officials charged with stealing Dali sketch from jail
By AMY WESTFELDT
The Associated Press
6/17/03 3:06 PM

NEW YORK (AP) -- Four Rikers Island jail officials were charged Tuesday with stealing a Salvador Dali sketch from a locked display case during a fire drill.

The men, two assistant deputy wardens and two corrections officers, were charged with grand larceny and could get up to 15 years in prison.

The untitled work, depicting the crucifixion in ink and pencil, was removed from the lobby of the city jail and replaced with a copy during an unscheduled fire drill staged by the defendants at midnight on March 1, authorities said.

A 1985 appraisal concluded it was worth at least $175,000, a corrections official has said, but an art expert told The New York Times in 2001 that it was worth at least three times that.

Dali gave the sketch to the jail in 1965 after canceling a visit. At the bottom of the drawing is a message from Dali, who was never known for correct spelling: "For the inmates dinning room on Rikers Island. Dali."

The sketch was displayed in the jail's dining room for 16 years before being moved to the lobby, where only officers and visitors are allowed.

"Who knew that it might have been safer left in the cafeteria?" said Rose Gill Hearn, commissioner of the city Department of Investigation.
Wow...Riker's gets all the cool artwork.



Now Taking Bets...

...on just exactly how long it will be before someone panics and mangles this story: Dow Corning purchases Alabama silicon metal company, and substitutes "silicone" for "silicon".




Okay--Blogger's working alright again now, so we'll go back to the new tagline: "New Blogger--Now 26% Less Crappy!"



Quite possibly the longest reach EVER in an effort to make a cutesy headline:

A Hamas divided?

Wow. What would professional journalism do without editors.



Well, now--just when I thought Blogger had cleaned up its act, I just tried to post the entry below and it won't let me! I am just one small finger slip away from bringing out the old "It's Free and it Shows!" tag...



Report: Terror System Flags David Nelsons

I'm just thankful Ozzie and Harriet and Ricky aren't around to see this.

How could this be?! O tempore! O mores!



Hmph! It’s about 8:30, and my Internet connection is down at the moment (what on earth did people do to waste time before!?), so to occupy a moment or two, how about another slice of the 1901 edition of Everybody’s Writing-Desk Book!

Last week, we had a paragraph about the characteristics of poetry—today’s episode is a continuation of that topic entitled:
Poetry earlier than Prose.—Poetry, it has also to be remembered, is a culture of earlier date than prose; and while Elizabethan poetry represents a comparatively advanced, Elizabethan prose represents a comparatively rudimentary, development. Prose, again, which is the language more of the average mood and addressed more to the average sense, is so much more subject to time and place, and therefore reflects so much more than poetry the general literary culture of the period wherein it is written.

Poetry and Prose of the Elizabethan Writers.—The Elizabethan poets who write poetry transcending criticism write also noble and majestic prose. Yet are their sentences in prose far from being so clear and perfect of construction as are their sentences in poetry. Their prose sentences, compared with those of the best writers of our day, are in general very long, and the modern reader is often nearly (sometimes altogether) out of breath before arriving at the end of one. The sentences of Milton’s poetry, too, are indeed generally of an ample size, but also, as a rule, of the most symmetrical construction; nor is the cultivated reader ever at a loss to comprehend the mutual harmony (in sense as in sound) of their component parts. The most formidable names (as those of the heathen gods) are subdued into sweet consonance in sound and sense with all the richly musical context. The sentences of Milton’s prose, on the other hand, always masculine indeed, are yet often so long-winded and involved as to fatigue all but the most robust readers. There are, however, two English prose works of the seventeenth century remarkable, in relation not merely to their immediate time but to any time, for their sweetness and simplicity of literary constitution—the English Bible and the Pilgrim’s Progress.

The English Bible, though, stands as the last of a long series of English renderings, each successive rendering a successive winnowing of the huskier parts and closer union of the more essential. The Pilgrim’s Progress, too, was really conceived with the vividness of a dream, and so is a poem or organic whole.
Of course, by the English Bible, the authors mean the King James version of 1611—for those of you who grew up with it, it’s hard to quibble with their commentary on it.

Like all translations, it does have a few drawbacks, but it would be hard to come up with a single work with more influence upon modern English, or upon Western society, than this one. For anyone who is not literate in works written before the twentieth century, it can be difficult to read, but that is really more of a function of the original text than the translation, which has stood the passage of three hundred years quite well. Even newer translations such as the American Standard Version of 1901 owe much to the language and cadence of the 1611 translation, although it does provide a more accurate rendering of the Greek New Testament books. The New American Standard (an update of the 1901 version) benefits from the usage of various copies of texts discovered in the twentieth century, most notably parts of the Dead Sea texts, as well as being intricately footnoted and set so that quotations of Old Testament works within the New are more distinct. As an overall translation, the NAS leaves a bit to be desired. Attempts to accurately translate distances and measures into recognizable modern values (particularly noticeable in the New Testament portion) tends to strip the symbolic portions of the original of their intended meaning. There are several instances of this throughout, but one of the more noticeable is in the Book of Revelation, where John describes his vision of the New Jerusalem as it is being measured—in the original text it is measured out as 12,000 stadia in length, width, and height. While there are some who take this literally and have tried to work out exactly how big everybody’s apartment is going to be (and if they will have any space for a roommate to share rent) it works much better as a symbolic measure—12 being a number to indicate perfection, then multiplied a thousandfold and applied to a perfect cubic shape. The New American Standard translates the distance simply as “fifteen hundred miles”, which while accurate literally, is way off symbolically.

Another problem with any translation is again not so much the translation, as it is the original text. And people being what they are, and there being lots of money to be wrung from folks who would rather the original were not quite so full of the Mean Old Angry God, the number of new translations and transliterations and paraphrasings and boy-I-wish-it-said-this-instead versions has skyrocketed in the past thirty years or so, and increasingly they have replaced God the Father with Papa Smurf (and lots of flowers and kittens). For the most part, the devotion and rigor of their efforts is expended less toward making sure it’s an accurate rendering of the original texts than to insuring nobody gets their feelings hurt.

Well, whatever. But, if you really want to study, get yourself a Bible that is a real translation, and get yourself a couple of good Hebrew-English and Greek-English lexicons, too. Even if you’re a ragin’ atheist, it really won’t hurt you, if for no other reason than to get a little cultural depth—if you read any mid- to late-eighteenth century works by our Founders, it’s hard to deny the influence of the language and thoughts of the King James Bible upon their minds (whether for good or bad), and likewise upon the history of America.

9:30 A.M.—Internet STILL Down

Figures. Just get Blogger to where it actually works, and now I can’t use it!

10:40 A.M.—Still down

Wow—hard to believe how much you come to rely on something to feed the obsessive side of your personality until it’s SNATCHED away from you without notice. Usually, I will type furiously or run around here being a good regulatory agent, then sit for a minute or two and see what all’s going on in the world, then try to decide whether or not the vasty ocean of Possumblog readers would want to hear my comment on any certain event or topic I have found, then decide to completely ignore the boisterous cries to ‘shut up’ and go on to post something completely without merit. Then go back to regulating again.

But without my hosepipe to the outside world, I’m stuck here with no way of seeing live pictures of the guys putting Vulcan’s head on, or of finding out what's the deal with anteaters, or reading the Bleat, or answering e-mails, or looking for pictures of my home entertainment center.

Oh well. There’s always work. And Solitaire. OOOH! OOOH! It’s working again!! HOORAY!! (Better get this mess posted before it breaks again!)


Monday, June 16, 2003

Proud Papa Alert!

Sorry, but I just remembered (look, three days ago was a LONG time!) that we got the call from Middle Girl's soccer coach--she has been invited to move up from the Recreational league to the Competitive league and be on the 'Premier' team. She is very excited, and I am trying to figure out how we're going to work this now that travel is no longer just across the county, but across the whole danged state!

She's a good girl, though, so I assume we'll find a way to figure it all out in due time.



What did you have planned for today?

This was said early Saturday morning after my hopes for being allowed to quietly sleep away the entire day were dashed by the intrusive noise of my progeny, each of whom decided to wake up extra early and begin their weekend chore of watching loud cartoon shows and recreating various movie scenes of violent fisticuffs and emotional melodrama.

“Welllll, MAYbe we coullllld…”

“The kids are awake and the door’s open.”

“I could close the door…”

“The kids are awake.”

“I could give them the keys to the van and let ‘em drive around for a while…”

“No.”

“You’re pretty!”

“No.”

Wow, the world’s most effective oral contraceptive.

Sensing that this avenue of Father’s Day gift getting was going nowhere, I did the next best thing—“What do YOU have planned for today?”

“I was thinking about going SHOPPING!”

As I mentioned Thursday, Father’s Day gifts at my house tend to be skewed greatly toward the GIVER’S tastes—witnessed by the fact that I really didn’t want to go shopping, yet that was exactly what I was going to be allowed to do. Yippee. In all truthfulness, I am one of the few guys I know who actually likes to go shopping—provided it is sans enfants. I could stand around with Reba looking at bras and panties and twee doodads all day long, but once the kids are invited along, all bets are off. Shopping becomes an exercise in Not Having A Bursted Aorta.

As I’ve mentioned, when you have more than two children, defense switches from man-to-man to zone, which is bad enough, but when your other teammate is heavily distracted by the search for the mythical pair of pants that’s cute and fits and doesn’t make her butt look big and is on sale, you wind up with something akin to it being 3rd and long, back on your own goal line, and the other team is blitzing AND your receivers are out of position. Your only options if you take the snap are to throw it away long downfield and figure it like a punt if they intercept, or do a short dump across the middle and get a yard or two of cushion so you have room to punt. In other words, sit in the car with the kids.

BUT, since this was ostensibly a search for Terrygifts, it might not be so bad. We decided to go ahead and do our usual Saturday evening routine that morning, just in case we got back late, so we shoved the kids into the wringer and switched it on HIGH for a while, then tumbled them dry on LOW until they were nice and shiny, then I got my shower, and we were ready to hit the door. As part of my special Dad Day activities, I had thought we could go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast, and now that it was NOON I was certainly hungry enough.

I like Cracker Barrel, except for the part of it that’s within reach of curious children, and the part of it that makes the wait for a seat and food measurable with a calendar. But it was breakfast, you know, and they do breakfast more breakfasty than any other purveyor of food and frilly pseudo-antiques within at least a mile or two of our house.

Got there and got the old ticker working overtime trying to -- “NO, put it down,” -- keep all the -- “Put that up, too, and DON’T get another one back out,” -- kids under control and -- “We’re NOT getting another stuffed animal!” -- maintain some semblance of -- “Where’d Catherine go?! COME HERE!” -- order in my life. ::sigh:: Finally got our table and the food came out in a relatively short time—only about thirty or forty people who arrived after us got theirs before us. Settle up, then it was time to go on to the store.

The stated purpose of the trip to the store was to find Daddy a Pair of Shoes. Being that I am thoroughly a creature of sedate and unchanging tastes in clothing and shoes, I only wear one kind of dress shoe. Wingtips, lace up, black or cordovan. That’s it. This has been difficult of late because these are about as trendy as buggy whips and spats, and all non-benchmade shoes-that-are-relatively-nice-and-I-can-afford are ugly as Herman Munster shoes. Big, ugly things with thick toes and soles that look their best only when the wearer has the name "Lester" embroidered on his uniform pocket right underneath the little wrench logo. There are some wingtips out there, but they are either obscenely expensive or insanely cheap. Guess what I’m wearing right now.

Yep. Crazy cheap shoes.

Finally had to let go of my last pair of good black shoes after about the sixth resoling. Couldn’t find a nice pair of replacement wingtip Florsheims anywhere. All of them were either big, ugly, or both. Or, loafers. With kilts. And tassels. (As if… ) So, I was forced to do something I have always told Boy not to do, which is to buy cheapo shoes. The pair I have has a RUBBER sole PERMANENTLY ATTACHED to the upper, which is not made out of real, live dead cows, but some sort of manmade dead cows that just don’t quite seem real. BUT, Reba found a sale paper the other day that said our local McRae’s store had honest-to-goodness Florsheim wingtips. They aren’t truly expensive shoes since they are made with the benefit of foreign child labor (not really…I don’t think) but they do have the slightly upscale benefit of being lovingly made with real bovine tops, and the soles and heels can be replaced several times.

So, off to McRae’s.

Go to Men’s Shoes, which is packed with customers. Well, maybe half a dozen. But, it was decidedly LESS packed with helpful sales staff, so things took a while. Luckily, there were my shoes, though! Hooray!

“Do you have this in a 10E?”

“Hmm, nah. Just have the loafer, or the one with the smooth toe.”

Grr. Loafers! Cap Toes!! Arrgh. You people are making it very difficult to be an old fart.

“Do you have it in a 9 1/2?”

“Mmm-hm.”

She disappeared into “The Back” and after a suitable period of chatting or eating a snack or whatever, brought back out a box. Unstuffed the right shoe, slid it on, stepped down, experienced the joys of Chinese foot binding. “You don’t have ANYthing back there in a wingtip?”

“Nah.”

::sigh:: Well, maybe I could get a couple of dress shirts. I like dress shirts that are 100% cotton, because, believe it or not, they don’t shrink up in the collar and cuffs. The ones that are mixed cotton and poly wind up looking like doll clothes after just a few launderings. Everything they had was 60/40 cotton/poly. “Y’all don’t have ANY 100% cotton dress shirts?”

“Nah.”

“Well, let’s go look at dresses!” This was said with bright enthusiasm, which means that I am not the one who said it.

M’kay. Over to Women’s, and my offensive line gets buried under the blitz—“ALRIGHT—you, you, you and you—let’s go.”

Off to Cargatory.

“Can we…”

NO!

“Dad…”

NO!

“Does it…”

NO!

“BUT I HAVE TO GO TO THE WESTWOOOOOOooooom!”

::Ralph Kramden slow burn::

Repeat at stores across the metro area.

Return home, and my Father’s Day gifts consist of six dresses, several small cute bracelets and a pretty set of earrings that match the trim on one dress PERFECTLY, and then there are three pairs of shorts that will only fit me if I am a child size 8, and two shirts, a yellow little girl sundress, and a special pair of pants that came with a PAIR OF PLASTIC SANDALS!! Ooooooh! PRETTY!!

As I said Thursday, I have only two things that belong to me…

Luckily, I did get six cards (four from the kids and two from the wife) and a series of hugs and kisses, and in a further bright spot, the kids were able to get into bed without the bother of a full hair-washing and nail-clipping.

Sunday was not quite so hectic—except for the necessity of having to iron one pretty little girl dress and one new wife dress in order for us not to a) go to church looking as though the clothes had been carelessly laid upon various horizontal pieces of furniture, and b) be late for church. Wouldn’t have been so bad except for having to do both dresses twice. And we had to leave RIGHT THEN.

Did my stand-in duty with the 5th and 6th graders, worshipped, fought sleep, went and had lunch with Ashley’s grandparents, went and visited with Reba’s mom and dad, went to the house to get something, went back to church to have a meeting about Vacation Bible School (I get to be Saul one night!), evening sermon, supper, home, finally get to stretch out and read the newspaper, sleep about five hours, then come here!

For some reason, I feel a bit tired.



The world's largest cast iron buttocks.(Should be safe for work...)

Still need the arms and head, but when that's done, we'll have us a proper statue again. They swung the lower torso into place on Saturday, and the chest got put on today.

As always, take THAT John McCain!




Ouch.

Even WITH the Demerol.

As an aside, Janis mentions in her post of yesterday that her daddy in-law's name is Big Daddy. By an odd happenstance, my dad's dad was Big Daddy, too. His wife was Big Mama. And Reba's mother's dad was Big Daddy. But let me just say this--if I ever, EVER hear another stage play in which the actors put on their fake Southern accents and say 'bigDADDY' instead of 'BIGdaddy', I believe I will scream.

Accent on the FIRST word!

(As an even further aside--this is one of those rare cases in which size truly does not matter--both Reba's and my grandfather were both slight to the point of scrawniness.)

{To go well beyond all reason with a continued series of asides, one of the guys I used to work with [I think he went to Ole Miss, or maybe Southern Miss...Hi John! Heheee...] had a set of relatives named Uncle Dick and Aunt WeeWee.}



Kids

They arrive so suddenly it seems, all tiny and wet and loud. You watch them begin to grow and toddle around--falling, flailing, hitting their little heads on the sharp corner of the coffee table, playing with all the guns and loose cutlery around the house--and then, you look up, and you realize your little blogchild is now an entire one year old!

Congratulations to Larry Anderson of Kudzu Acres, Alabama for a year's work well done!

(He hasn't done his thought-provoking, navel-gazing, 'One Year Later' post yet. Just keep checking in...)



Spreading like a plague...

The mighty and terrifying Axis of Weevil grows ever larger and more unweildy with the addition of a new member, who had the good sense to write to World Headquarters and lavish me with constant positive reinforcement!

Quite by accident, a friend of young Allison Lane's found Possumblog, and sent her a link to some stupid drivel I wrote way back when. Allison liked it (along my recipe for grilled manatee steaks) so much that she felt compelled to roust Chet the E-Mail Boy from his slumber just to let me know.

A strict sense of modesty forbids me from going into detail about the glowing praise Allison heaped upon the editorial output of this shop, but I will allow that it made me blush from the top of my head to the very end of my naked prehensile tail.

AND THEN... Allison noted that she herself had become addicted to blogging, AND that she slaked her habit only minutes to the north of me in the throbbing metropolis of Pinson, Alabama! Chet was now a blur of activity as he shuffled back and forth to his machinery, and at last, the deal was done--yet ANOTHER poor soul overjoyed participant has agreed to enter into the Yellowhammer State Blogging and Alpine Skiing Club! History major, Pepsi drinker, fan of actors with failing dental health--she has it all!

SO THEN, having read and accepted the Terms and Conditions and Rules and Stuff for admission into our august ranks, by the power vested me by the Ted who fixes the copier at the Alabama Department of Agriculture (Non-Game Meat Division), it is with great pride and a vigorous ritual paddling that we herewith and hereby induct and infest one Allison Lane with all the benefits and obligations pertaining to membership in the Axis of Weevil.

Congratulations, young lady, and as with all new members in our group, you will soon be receiving your very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for your pickup truck, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale.

Sadly, due to a backlog in orders for his special Dale Earnhart Commemorative rocks, Allison will receive not be receiving one of our friend Jimmy's painted rocks (this is the guy-from-next-door Jimmy-not Jimmy in Accounting) to place at the end of her driveway. HOWEVER, we are able to once again offer a coupon to have the roof of your trailer Kool-Sealed absolutely free from our good friends at Bama Trailer Supply.

So then, Allison, welcome, and remember to never leave anything in the office refrigerator for more than a week, and it's best to be sure your name's on it. Pencils and tape are in the office supply cabinet behind the janitor's closet.

Everyone go say hey!



Glad THAT'S over...

Monday morning staff meetings are not the mostest fun things in the world--although they are the most benign of the meetings I have to attend. Summer is worse because there are no football games to discuss. I have often thought the meetings would be much better attended and everyone would stay awake if we had ring card girls to announce the next agenda items. Just a thought.

ANYWAY, first things first--many hundreds of thanks to Meryl Yourish for her kindness in actually wading through all my rambling for the week past and posting a whole series of links (which actually worked, by the way, thanks to that great new Blogger software--"Blogger: It Doesn't Suck Near As Bad Now!") to various stuff she thought worthwhile.

The resulting Merylanche pushed the old number counter over the 100,000 mark! Now, you must realize that the vast majority of these hits are either the result of me pushing the reload button hoping in vain that the content will get better, or alternately, having to perform multiple edits to correct various mental-ineptitude-based errors. But still, that is some sort of a milestone, no matter what.

I thank everyone who has stopped in over the past 18 months, including the one illiterate troll. Why, if I had a penny for every hit, I would now have well over ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!! Amazing.

In this past few months, I have typed an enormous amount of stuff. I have no idea how much in total, but I just now took a random week (October 20-25, 2002) and copied it into Word to get an estimate of the size of the content. Taking out all the bits of articles copied from other sources and date stamps and junk, I figured it came to around 8,100 words, which is probably a pretty accurate average. 8,100 words multiplied times 77 weeks comes up to 623,700 words. All of it FREE to you (well almost all of you, because Marc Velazquez was nice enough to buy the banner ad off the top).

That's a heap, no matter which way you slice it, and portions of it have actually been worth what it cost you!

And why do I do it?

Just to prove a point.

(And when I do get around to proving one, buddy-o, you guys'll be the FIRST ONES TO KNOW!)

So, thanks again!

(I just did another quick calculation and I figure if I had gotten a penny for each word, why, it would have over SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS! Woo-hoo! You know, that's almost enough to invest in this deal a guy from Nigeria wants me to help with...)



Hey! Must run to staff meeting--be back in a bit. Lurid tales of suburbia to follow.


Friday, June 13, 2003

Going Home

Answered a couple of e-mails this morning, then dashed out to go get my mom so we could go to the funeral. I had figured it might take an hour, and to give myself some extra cushion I told her I would be there around 8:45 or so. “Why don’t you just come at 9?” As if 15 minutes would make that much of a difference one way or the other. Anyway, I told her I just wanted to make sure we had some time to get there, and then, of course, I ran late and got there at about five till nine. “I called your office—I thought you might have forgotten about it.” Nah, just got busy.

Then it was time to figure out which vehicle.

“Are you riding with me?”

“Well, no, I figured I would drive.”

“But do you have an umbrella big enough for both of us?”

Huh?

“Yes, I have a big umbrella…”

“Well, get it and you can ride with me.”

::sigh:: Went and got my umbrella, came back to her car—“You want me to drive?”

“Do you want to drive?”

“I will if you want me to”

”I’ll drive.”

Okay, then. Got in and buckled up—as I’ve written before, she drives a late model Cadillac Eldorado, mainly because it has a relatively hot V-8. As she says, when she mashes the gas, she wants it to go. She put the key in and cranked it up—“Do you know how to get there?”

My mom is such a card. I told her the other day I wasn’t sure I knew how to get there and she scoffed and said, “Aww, I’ll tell you which way it is.”

“No, I thought YOU knew.”

I don’t know where we’re going!”

“Just drive west, you’ll get there.” Smartypants.

SO, we set out. She decided to get to the interstate from downtown using the Red Mountain Expressway, and was incredibly unclear about where the hidden entrance was on 27th Street, as well as which lane to get in to go “around by the Civic Center.” Big looping connector ramp which merges into I-59/20 that never ceases to make me a bit queasy. It’s narrow and high and spindly and is cambered so your mother will try to take it like she’s driving the pace car at Talladega.

“OOOh, I think this thing is too tight of a curve!”

“Well, I reckon it is a bit much at 70—you bring it down to 40 and it’s a lot easier.”

For some reason this just tickled her to no end. She snickered and laughed and allowed that 70 might have been somewhat too fast. Or not. She got the Caddy hauled down and merged more or less in one piece—she drives like the throttle and brake are on-off switches, so the ride leaves a bit to be desired. Hard to relax when you have to throw your hand up to grab the dashboard as you slide off the slick leather seats when she slams on the binders, then to have your head slam into the headrest the next second as she stomps on the gas.

We negotiated on whether to get on 78 West by going on up to Arkadelphia Road or to get on I-65 and exit at Finley Boulevard, or go way on up to 41st Avenue. She asked; I suggested just staying on 59 until Arkadelphia, so she went toward Finley.

“Why’d you ask if you already knew which way you were going to go!?”

“Oh, I don’t know.”

On to 78, and at this point I will begin to make use of Dale Short’s description that I linked to yesterday of the trip route. (In this way I will attempt to draft upon the better talents of a more able writer to give my own crap some pizzazz.)
To get to Shanghi, Alabama, you take Highway 78 West out of Birmingham. Some twenty miles later you come to the Graysville exit, which you take and then turn left onto Flat Top Road.
Okay, let’s stop there—part of that twenty miles (which is now more like twelve given the annexation fever of Birmingham and Graysville) is what made up the place where I grew up, Forestdale. When Forestdale was young, there wasn’t much more than a scattering of houses and a few gas stations, and then it began to grow into a bedroom community full of iron and steelworkers during the mid ‘60s, and by the time I graduated from high school, it was full of stores and fast food places—but not in a bad way. It was lively, but not the sort of junky mess you usually associate with strip malls and burger joints.

Now, though, it has been overtaken by junky mess. Pawn shops (both the merchandise and the car title types), bingo arcades, package stores, clinging-to-life mom-and-pop joints that went into the old chain burger joints after they sold out, big fluorescent yellow and black flashing arrow signs, fireworks trailers. The few homes that survived the earlier building boom (with their owners always hopeful that they would “go commercial”) have begun to rot down, back behind old, overgrown chain link fences.

It’s not home anymore, that’s for sure.

The one bright spot is that our old house (which DID go commercial back then—first it was a flower shop, then some kind of an office building, then it was enlarged and bricked up to become an attorney’s office) is still in good shape. Not that you can actually SEE our old house behind the addition and the renovations and the brickwork, but it’s nice to know it’s still under there.

On through the next town of Adamsville (which really was a town instead of just an unincorporated area, and which my mom blew through doing 75) and then on to that turn onto Flat Top Road. Just down under the highway overpass is another street called Arrow Drive that heads back up another hill. This is where one of the guys I graduated high school with came down a bit too fast, in the wet, and slid across the road down into the ravine on the opposite side, thus shrinking our class size by 7%. (There was only 15 of us.) That intersection always gives me the creeps.
In short order you'll pass Flat Top, Bessie Mines, Jonestown, Snowtown, and West Jefferson.
When I was little, this road was two lanes, and full of gigantic potholes and coal trucks full to the brim and running at either top speed downhill or near dead stop up. All the land around looked about like the moon. It’s better now—the road is mostly four lane, and has been straightened considerably, and all the mounds of tailings now have a thin, fine covering of grass. Still not much in the way of trees though. Little glimpses of Old Flat Top Road and other old intersecting roads to nowhere could be seen back in behind mounds of dirt—one in particular looked little bigger than a snake and was just as curvy, and looked like it was going up a hill that was only a degree or two shy of vertical—“That’s the one that goes off to Porter. That’s the one where your daddy and that Sumner boy came down on that motorcycle doing A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR! Wonder he didn’t get killed.” Yep—my dad was a bit of a lunatic, although he did have a right good time. He had a big 80 cubic inch Harley-Davidson (one of the ones with the shifter on the side of the tank) that he blasted around the hills and hollers, and I have an old photo of him sitting on it, looking every bit like a punk kid. But a likeable one. And no, I don’t know which Sumner boy, it was just “that” one, like “that Hicks bunch” or “that store”.

With the curves having been taken out of the road, and with the construction of the new Corridor X interstate to Memphis, some of the familiar landmarks my mom was looking for had been obliterated. She kept looking for Snowtown... Snowtown!...SNOWTOWN!!, and the only evidence left was the Snowtown Church of God of Prophecy. There’s a new intersection now just past it now, and from it you could see the cooling tower for the Miller Steam Plant, which is just beyond West Jefferson High School, which was the direction we needed to go.

So she turned in the opposite direction.

I was finally able to convince her that if she was trying to get to West Jefferson, she needed to do a 180, which to her credit she managed to accomplish without doing a full power bootlegger turn, but by just turning around in someone’s gravel drive. She was still rather put out that Snowtown was not more recognizable.

Thus back on the right path, we passed by “that Youngblood girl’s house” which was the home of one of my parent’s teachers at West Jefferson. She was only just a little older than her students at the time she taught them, and she would be in her 80s now. Still a girl, though, you know. I remember long ago when my dad and I were going down that way to go to the river that he stopped in to call on her. She really was a beautiful woman, and talked to us forever. I wish I had remembered more of the conversation now.

Then past the old service station that used to belong to one of my uncles—it’s now an abandoned little mess of concrete block and vines. He and his boys used to run coal and work on coal trucks, and there was still an old Peterbilt and coal trailer parked behind, but nothing else. On up the hill to old West Jefferson, which has been surplused by the board of education. Once a pretty little rural school, it’s starting to fall down, too. This was were my dad played football. Their coach was paralyzed and used a wheelchair, but this was just at the start of World War II and all the able-bodied men were volunteering or being drafted, so they took what they could get. I think this man was probably one of the greatest influences on my dad—he would talk about him respectfully, and in awe that even though he couldn’t run around with the boys, he could show them how to play ball and win. Tough bunch of boys, they were, and they went on in a couple of years to march into Berlin and Tokyo.

On down a bit more and we passed over the Flat Creek Bridge over the Warrior River. There’s an old iron bridge that still stands there, and a newer concrete bridge beside it built during the late ‘60s. A bit further off to the left before you cross the bridge is an old wooden railroad trestle beside the river. My dad would stop down at the foot of it and let me “fish” in the little slough that ran under it into the main branch of the river. Never caught a thing.
A little beyond West Jefferson High School, when you see the reservoir for the power plant on your left, you take a very hard right--almost a U-turn--and find yourself in Twilleytown, a place which was signified at one time by a big railroad trestle which Bobby Adams once hit with his motorcycle. The trestle has since been torn down. Now you can see only the stumps of it and some scattered redrock. At that point you're almost home.
Yep, that’s it. We passed by, and my mom remarked, “That’s where the railroad trestle used to be.” I’ve mentioned it before, but you can tell how long a person’s lived in a certain place by how many times they mention landmarks that used to be someplace. Passed by the intersection for Reed’s Ferry Road, which is where the first house my mom and dad lived in stands. It’s also where my sister lived her first few years before they moved out to Forestdale. I think the old house was still back there, but there was a huge pile of brushy mess in front of where the road is, and we couldn’t see that far back.
It's a straight shot of about half a mile to Shanghi Baptist Church and Hardin's Grocery, which mark what is roughly the southern boundary of Shanghi.
Which is where Mr. Short’s tale starts, and mine…well, ends isn’t quite right, but I suppose it’s a stopping place for the moment.

The church yard was full of cars, not that it took that many to fill it up, but there were probably 40 or so. My aunt (nor any of the rest of us) are Baptist, and they went to church in Quintown (not Quinton, by the way), but this is where folks around here are buried. It looked to have just gotten through raining, and there was a small crowd milling around under a picnic shed. One elderly lady was standing there with an aluminum cane—“Well, Marie made it!”

Marie is one of my mom’s best friends from their early adulthood together. She and her husband used to get together with my mom and dad and go to the river and on vacations together and play canasta together. I always knew them as Fullernmaree—they were always together as a unit in my mind. It was also odd when I was old enough to figure out that “Fuller” was Fuller’s last name—it seemed so strange that anyone would not go by a perfectly good name like James.

Her husband died a few years after my dad. They had lived all over the place—Hueytown and Leeds then Hueytown again, then had moved back down to McCartytown (which is not even on the map) not long before he died. She has not been in the best of shape lately—she’s had two knees replaced, and she fell in her yard not long ago and broke her hip, then she later did something to her shoulder.

She quietly hugged my mom, then me and squeaked out a hello. And then suddenly, it was as if it was 30 years earlier—she straightened a bit, and her eyes sparkled like they did, and her voice returned strong. While not young, she had at least gotten back to something like the Marie I knew. She and my mom reminisced, caught up on who had done what, then she introduced my mom to another lady, tiny and pale, that she went to church with, and then there was another round of figuring out relations and kin.

Piles of names—Lantrips and Tuggles and Brasfields and Parkers and Gilberts and Rubies and Pearls and Lowreens, all somehow connected, none familiar, few still around, all talked about as if they were all still alive and kicking. Shook hands with my cousins (and figured out that chubby and prematurely grayheaded appears to not just be an isolated thing). Worked around the crowd a bit and shook hands with my one remaining uncle. He was looking pretty spry—I suppose he’s getting close to 80, still has a grip like a vise.

A few more folks arrived, and we walked on through the gate to the grave site, with my mom and Marie still figuring out the various genealogies. Simple service—prayer, short sermon, prayer. Just the way Aunt Juanita wanted it. She had been sick for a while after my uncle Orville (my mom’s oldest brother) died, and had been miserable without him to pester her. They lived a simple, plainspoken, hardworking life, but one full of love and kindness and great good humor and righteousness. Not a lot of tears were shed—I suppose most folks think we’re a rather peculiar bunch, but I come from a long line of folks who saw life as just a stop on the way to a better place. Death was not, and is not, the end. It simply marks the time when you can finally put down your pick and shovel, or the big dishpan full of beans to snap, and escape the pains and vagaries you’ve seen for so long. She was lonesome for her man, and she wanted very much to go see him. While everyone was sad to wish her goodbye, everyone was confident we’d see her again. I imagine this group would shed more tears to have to put their son or daughter on a plane and watch them fly off to live in California. Then again, California’s a lot further away.

After the last Amen, we stood around a bit and talked some more with some of her grandkids—good looking bunch of young folks, married now and starting families themselves. The last time I remember seeing most of them they were just about the age my kids are now. One of the girls brought her husband and baby—one of my aunt’s greatgrandsons. Tiny little fellow asleep on dad’s shoulder, oblivious to the still, humid air, or to the old scraggly mutt that came up during the sermon and decided to stay around and beg for pats on the head, or to anything else except for his thumb and whatever it was he was dreaming about.

We walked back down to the parking lot with them, and my mom got corralled by the little lady Marie had introduced her to earlier. Marie had to leave early because her legs were hurting, but this little lady was still trying to find out some more information about folks, so we stood around and tried to help her figure out the bloodlines. About then, the rain started to fall again, so we broke away and got back in the car and started back to Birmingham.

It rained buckets on the way back, and my mom out of necessity had to let up on the go-pedal a bit, which was just as well because the local constabulary was out in force all the way back. I teased her that they were looking for her from her earlier romp. “Aww, I don’t think they’re after me. Anyway, I could outrun ‘em.” Which made both of us laugh. Back to her office, where she dropped me at my van.

Quick hug and a kiss, and, of course, I told her I loved her. She’s a pretty fine mom, you know.

As for the weekend, I don’t know what’s planned, but for some reason I believe it will be very busy. Yeah, I know…go figure! So, I’ll be out of here in a bit, all of you have a good weekend, and I’ll see you Monday bright and early.


Thursday, June 12, 2003

Going to Shanghi

Well, this is it for today. I have a position audit this afternoon (the personnel board interviews you to see if you are properly classified for the work you do), and then tomorrow I will be picking up my mom from her work and we'll be driving down to Shanghi for my aunt's funeral. Juanita was my mom's oldest brother's wife; a fine and compassionate woman who lived a long full life and helped raise two of the finest men I know.

Simple graveside service, in a small old place that's not much more than a widening in the road. There is a fellow from there named Dale Short who made a book writer. This is his description of Shanghi.

See you all later tomorrow.



Father’s Day

The other day, Reba said Jonathan told her conspiratorially, “I know what Daddy wants for Father’s Day!”

What?

“He wants PEACE AND QUIET! But I don’t think he’s gonna get that.”

He’s been reared an honest little boy.

Despite fantastical wishes for various antique cars and watches and books, or for more practical stuff like tools or computer stuff, I don’t really want or need anything like that. A card’s fine, with a big hug. And a room cleaned up without being told—although that borders on fantasy also. In the end, lots of those storebought gifts for dad wind up being more frequently used by the giver anyway—“You think Daddy would like a new pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards so he could challenge me to a card duel? Well, do you think we could get them for me instead then?”

It’s like that with everything I supposedly own. Just about the only thing I can claim as mine and mine alone are my guns and my underwear. And really I can’t even keep a good grasp on all of my underwear—anytime anyone needs a white tee-shirt to rip to shreds or paint for a school project, one (or several) manages to magically appear out of the Handsome Wooden Drawer Full of White Tee-Shirts That Don’t Belong to Anyone. (Probably one reason why underwear is such a popular gift this time of year.)

But, at least they do leave my briefs alone. Not that I can blame them.

And I don’t have a Mike Bradyesque home office to call my own, either. I think I would settle for a chair in the garage—but it’s so full of other people’s stuff that it resembles a mini-storage unit. Even “my side of the bed” gets used when certain wives of mine decide to assemble big folders full of stuff for work (I won’t tell which one in particular so as to keep her from getting mad at me). I have found that I can have some privacy in the downstairs restroom. I would call it a powder room—it just has a toilet and a sink—but that sounds too girly for such a he-masculine Fortress of Solitude. It’s nice and quiet and no one ever thinks to find me there, sitting all alone with my Fruits of the Loom and firearms. (Quite the mental image there, huh!)

So, a card and a hug is just fine.



If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.

Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird


Oscar-Winner Gregory Peck Dies at 87



And now, for something compleatly different...

Steven Taylor discusses the heartbreak of : monkeypox
Soon wall-to-wall Blondes (Hill, Martha and Scott Peterson (ok, he went back to brunette)) may give way to the summer of pox.

If we get really lucky someone will kidnap a kid infected with monkeypox, and the kidnapper will then be attacked by a shark on the way to see Gary Condit. It will be a newsapalooza--the cable news industry's dream summer. [...]
That somehow reminds me of the words of one of this country's greatest philosophers:
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
You know, that's just so true.

And let's just come right out and say it--Romeo and Juliet would be so much better with the line "a monkeypox on both your houses".

We now return you to your regular programme.





I have been neglectful…

It’s been a while since I last posted an excerpt of the tiny little gift of Everybody’s Writing-Desk Book, so I think I will now.

As you might recall, this little book was given to me as a Christmas present by Miss Reba (in a story worthy of O. Henry himself, my wife has no idea I write this journal, nor that I so often make mention of her; only that I like reading nifty old books). EW-DB has proved itself to be quite inspirational as a stylebook and handy desk reference, despite the fact that is was published in 1901.

In today’s entry, Charles Nisbet and Don Lemon discuss:
2. DEVELOPMENT OF STYLE IN POETRY AND PROSE.

Characteristics of Poetry.—Progress from the more complicate to the simpler construction is, however, much more conspicuous in prose than in poetry. The measure of poetry tends of itself to keep poetry within measure. True poetry, moreover, presupposes a degree of heat and light incompatible with unwieldy and obscure construction. The product of the poet, so far as poet, is organic. There is no poetry, unless so far as there is true harmony or rhythm. Nor is there any true harmony in sound, unless so far as there is harmony also in sense. Nor is there any harmony in a sentence nor in a succession of sentences, unless in so far as the words, clauses, and statements, whereof they are composed, are all in harmonious relation to one another, first in sense and therefore also in constitution, and therefore also in sound. As far as any Browning croaks foreign lore in verses jerky and obscure, so far is that Browning no poet, i.e., co-worker with Nature, creating all things anew and all answeringly to one another. Classics, telling images, happy words, there are none but such only as are the life of home and of to-day. Grateful to the whole man and all men is hale poetry. Poetry is the catholic man. In poet, soul and sense, meaning and form, are one.



Hawkeye Staters, Mark Your Calendars!

Via the Daily Iowegian--Possum Day pet parade, dance June 21
As part of the Appanoose County Possum Day events, a pet parade for all ages will be held on the Courthouse Square at 10:30 a.m. Saturday, June 21.

Sponsored by the Appanoose County Humane Society, prizes will be given to the cutest pet, largest and smallest pets, pet that looks most like its owner and most talented pet.

All dogs must be on a leash and ill tempered or aggressive pets should not be brought to the parade.

A dance and coronation of the Possum Day Queen will be held that evening at the Silver Spur on Highway 5 south of Centerville.

The winner is expected to be available to ride in the Pancake Day Parade.
High expectations, indeed!

Anyway, while you're in town, be sure to drop in and speak to Frank Reznicek, owner of Owl Pharmacy.



BURMA!!

Why'd you say Burma?

I panicked.



Former UK Star Adam Ant Arrested After Stripping
LONDON (Reuters) - Former British pop star Adam Ant (news) has been arrested after apparently running amok and stripping off in a London cafe.

Police said on Thursday they had arrested a 49-year-old man on suspicion of criminal damage, while The Sun newspaper showed pictures of the former 1980s heartthrob being held by two burly policemen, a blanket wrapped around his waist.

Newspapers said Ant, real name Stuart Goddard, had "gone berserk" near his north London home on Wednesday before stripping off his trousers in the cafe.

The outburst follows an episode last summer when he threatened customers at his local pub who had laughed at his cowboy attire. He walked free from court in October after judges ruled he was suffering from temporary mental illness. [...]
Must be a rather long temporary.



Steaming Pile Update

Well, after using the BRAND NEW BLOGGER for the past few days, I can say that it seems to be working much better than the old version. When I post something, it shows up right then, and the subsequent tide of error corrections to fix the stuff I posted gets posted just as quickly.

I still like the preview function--for some reason, seeing it in a slightly different form always makes finding mistakes easier. I don't know why. Maybe best of all is that it appears the Archive function and permalinks actually work now. AMAZING! And the three month string of posts that were lost in my archives (that I had to manually call up and link to rather than trying to fix whatever was wrong with the stupid thing) have now all been put back to where they were.

So, for everyone who has been put out by the mess that launched the obsessive-compulsive blogging behavior of a host of folks, it seems to be working better now. Oh, it may not be your fancy-schmancy Moveable Type, and BlogSpot may still have brainfarts in the coming months, but the worst aspects of Blogger may have FINALLY been put to rest. Maybe.

The migration process to change over users is still ongoing, I suppose, so there may still be some problems linking to folks if they have the older version. New Blogger has a much longer, 18 digit post or item number (or whatever you call it), that means the person is using the newer version.

For those trying to link to a specific post for someone using Old Blogger, remember that you can use the MommaBear Method--just copy down the post number and paste it in right after the name of the blog, without the intervening 2003_06_08_XXXblog_archive.html stuff. Doing this will get you to the post for at least as long as the item is displayed on the page.

So, there you go.



As Promised!!!

Early LAST week I promised you all the interesting addition of some tasty raw meat a new liberal member to fulfill our ongoing commitment to diversity and sensitivity and hand-holding and to have someone to buy us Dixie Chicks stuff so we don’t have to be seen doing it ourselves.

Now some of you may think this is rather shocking, but the Alabama Internet Writing Club and Quilting Society has absolutely no rule against liberals in the ranks, and in fact, some of the best things in life require leftists—NASCAR races all circle to the left, you wear your watch on your left wrist, the left lane is the fast lane, Tony Bennett never sang “My Heart’s Right in San Francisco”, you get up on a horse from the left, God loves a liberal giver, and as you know, the Left Behind books are real popular around here. Best of all, the left hand’s not supposed to know what the right’s doing, so everyone should get along just fine.

Anyway, we got this nice letter last week, and it is high time it was acted upon.

Mac Thomason referred me to you. I was just wondering if you would check out my blog and maybe link to it. You can put me in the 'Axis of Weevil' camp. The URL is: http://aminorityofone.blogspot.com

I think Blogger must be having some server capacity problems since they were bought out by Google as my page won't load on the first try sometimes. But really...there *is* a blog at that address, I promise! Thanks!

Michael Bowen
What a nice young man! But, again, having had some experience in the past with the more tender-skinned of those who are conservatively-challenged, I thought I might better advise him of what he might be getting into:
Hey Mike,

Thanks for writing--be glad to add you in, but be forewarned that Axis of Weevil members tend to be more than a little bit conservative--I've tried in the past to get some more liberal-minded folks to sign on, but they were rather put off by some of the folks on the roll. [Redacted portion describing the liberals which HAVE remained with the AoW—we do not wish to incite any unrest should anyone be ignored] so as long as you don't mind taking a dip in a swimming hole full of water moccasins, we'll be glad to have you. As with all potential AoW members, following are the OOOOOfficial Rules of Membership […]
Moments later came the reply--
Thanks for the link Terry. Yes, I'm finding out that being a liberal blogger in Alabama is a great way to be FLAMED on a regular basis.
HEE-hehehehe! ::snortcough:: I mean—That’s awful! Mean people suck.
I guess I'm really going to earn the title "A Minority of One." So be it...

And I actually do qualify for *most* of the rules. Thanks again and I'll be sure to drop in on Possumblog every once in a while.

- Mike B
Now who could deny the joys and benefits of membership in the Axis of Weevil to such a person!? (I have to admit that the link to Michael Moore’s site caused me to hyperventilate, but only because it reminds me once more of the slight the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences gave to Marty DiBergi by not awarding an Oscar to This is Spinal Tap as Best Documentary for 1984.)

SO THEN, by the power vested in me by the noted (and quite dead) Alabama socialist Helen Keller, the Cotton States Reptile Farm and Blog Writing Guild does hereby insert and install one Michael Bowen into the dreaded and formidable Axis of Weevil, with all of the rights, privileges, and heartache devolving thereto.

As with all new members, Michael will be receiving the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for his gigantic mud-grip-tired pickum-up truck, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale.

In addition to these wonderful items, Michael will receive one of our friend Jimmy's painted rocks (this is the guy-from-next-door Jimmy-not Jimmy in Accounting) to place at the end of his new driveway. As you all should remember, Jimmy (whose “condition” has been hampered by the constant rain lately) has branched out in his rock-painting business, and is now doing celebrity likenesses--he says the favorites so far are Shania Twain, Jesus, and his brother Todd. He has several of new Alabama head coach Mike Shula, also, but these are a bit iffy, because you can still see Mike Price under the top coat of paint.

Anyway, Mike, be sure to stop by Personnel to get your identification card made, and let Thelma in Purchasing sew the big scarlet letter L on your jacket.



Good night, Chet.

Good night, David.


David Brinkley Dies at 82

Now that was a newsman.



You know, typing minutes ain't all that bad...

Alex City man gets inside look at Iron Man
MICHAEL TOMBERLIN
News staff writer

It takes a 5-foot-6, 120-pound man to put a 56-foot, 71-ton god in his place.

Mike Nolen, a 21-year-old Alexander City welder, is that man.

Nolen's job is to climb inside the various pieces of Vulcan as they are assembled and tighten the bolts that hold the statue and internal steel frame together.

The Robinson Iron Corp. worker had the two things the job required he's a certified welder and he's small enough to fit into the nooks and crannies of the cast-iron statue and its new stainless-steel armature skeleton.

"I like this project," he said Wednesday after snaking himself around inside Vulcan's two legs. "It's different from anything I'll probably ever do again."

Once the initial bolts are in place, workers can come in and put in the external bolts. Then Nolen goes back to work inside the statue tightening all the rest of the bolts and doing welding in some places.

Nolen practiced his Vulcan work in numerous rehearsals in Alexander City, where Robinson Iron is based. The only difference in his work atop Red Mountain is he's having to do it on a 124-foot-high pedestal.

Some places are so tight and hard to get to, Nolen has to take off his shoes and hat and crawl in head-first.

His job won't get any easier. When it comes time to attach Vulcan's arms and head, Nolen will actually be perched on the skeleton inside the statue waiting for the pieces to be guided into place from the outside so he can climb up and put on the initial bolts inside. [...]
Quite frankly, I believe this kid has a pair of cast iron something-or-others that would make even Vulcan jealous.

Anyway, if you want, you can watch the work being done via this webcam. (The NBC13 one makes my browser windows get all squirrelly.)



Monkeypox redux

Sorry, but I just can't get the phrase "cheese eating surrender monkeypox" out of my mind.


Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Twenty years!? Seems just like yesterday...

Have yourselves a good time, Charles.

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, eh!?



Monkeypox Fears Force Ban on Prairie Dogs

They'll take my prairie dog when they pry it from my cold dead hands!!

You know, this outbreak really is a serious matter, but it sure would have been easier to be all full of somber harrumphing if it wasn't called monkeypox, and you didn't catch it from prairie dogs.

(Of course, when you think about it, chickenpox is rather comical, too. And so is cowpox. They all lend themselves readily to a variety of Far Side-esque scenarios.)

It makes it sound like when you got touched by a girl on the playground in second grade and got cooties. Maybe if they called it Flying Monkeypox and had that spooky "OH-WEE-OH, WEE OHHH-OH" chorus playing in the background...that would be something.

Now the Black Death, buddy...THAT'S a serious disease!



Eww.

Got back about an hour ago from a brisk 16 block (8 down, 8 back) walk to go eat lunch with my prettier, girlier, better half--it is now getting to be much more summery--temp about 540°R, humidity about 60%. Not the day to wear a stylish dark gray, long sleeve dress shirt. Luckily there was a slight breeze, which tousled my sopping wet hair. Got back and looked like I had been riding in an industrial washing machine.

It's fun to walk around, though--I like to intercept conversations in passing. The best one of the day was as a nicely suited fellow was walking along with one of his female co-workers: "...Have you ever seen that movie Gone With the Wind?..."

I guess this was as opposed to, oh...that television show Gone With the Wind, or that advertisment for a lactose intolerance prevention product called Gone With the Wind, or that weird comedian named Gone With the Wind, or that car named Gone With the Wind.

Oh well, at least they weren't all nasty and sweaty like someone writing this.

Another fun thing to do was helping Miss Reba out to the parking deck with some boxes of her stuff for a meeting she's having tomorrow. (If nothing else, I am quite useful for toting stuff.)

She has recently changed garages, and the new one is part of a building renovation going on close to where she works. Neat old place that long ago housed the Birmingham Chamber of Commerce. Now it's being converted for offices and lofts, and alongside it is a vintage parking garage that is reputed to be the first multi-level one constructed in the city.

We walked through all the new construction and through all the old load-bearing masonry walls and heavy timbers of the loft building, then into the garage, which was about like walking into an ancient tomb. Solid concrete, with wonderful ceramic mosaic tile directional arrows inset into the floor slabs--"IN", "OUT"; dim old painted signs on the inside walls advertising the gas and oil station on the ground floor; and a glorious reminder of they days before OSHA--a man lift that went from ground to roof through a three foot diameter hole in all the floors. Wood platform to stand on, a hunk of metal to hold onto, some angle iron framework to hold it together. That's it. Scary looking as a guillotine, yet I can imagine some carefree, greasy kid jumping on it with the key to ride up to four and bring down Mr. Stoke's new Hupmobile. Cool old stuff.

Anyway, back to work.



I do...

...or rather, have been doing, a really pitiful job of keeping up with folks on the blogroll lately (due to my job of protecting the kudzu) and so I have missed out a bit on reading my favorite Kansan, Peg Britton--Miz Gore sent me over there just now for a good story Peg posted today about Doc Morrison.

He seems to have been, as we say, "a character".



Okay, now--all you people who started that 'Boycott France' crap--is THIS what you wanted!?

Woody Allen Becomes Pitch Man for France

Please, PLEASE--start grabbing up all the Froggy items you can IMMEDIATELY so this marketing reign of terror will end! You don't want them to use THIS do you!?

(I'll take several of these RIGHT NOW! if it will help...)



Blah blah blah!

It's getting to where these little regulatory meetings are beginning to sound like a meeting of all of the muted-trumpet adults in Charlie Brown's world--"Whuh whah wuh whah whah whah." Try transcribing the minutes of that!

And speaking of having to listen to what other people say...you know, you figure someone who is in the television news business would maybe listen to enough other television news people say things and get some sense of how a word should be pronounced. You know, too, television news anchors even consider themselves journalists of a sort, so what I heard this morning it makes it even more pitiful.

Getting dressed and watching the early news on our local NBC affiliate this morning--they were finally getting around to reporting the story about the Pulitzer Prizes organization reexamining the 1932 award for Correspondence granted to NYTimes Walter Duranty for his reporting of the Ukraine famine.

Think about the word Pulitzer. You've heard the name all your life. Big award deal they give to newsfolk, playwrights, composers. Sounds like poo'litsur. Maybe even pyOO'litsur.

Anchorchick: [paraphrasing] 'The pyoo-LITZ'-zer Prize committee is reviewing...'

'...in 1932 a New York Times reporter was awarded the pyoo-LITZ'-zer Prize...'

'...no pyoo-LITZ'-zer Prize has ever been revoked...'

Or as Les Nessman might say, "Chy Chy Rod-rig-weeze".

Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe a certain someone will never have to worry about getting one revoked.

(Hey, I'll certainly never have to return a Pritzker, either, but at least I can pronounce it.)

Anyway, enough mockery of local broadcasters--I have mwah-wah sounds to transcribe and my Silver Sow award to polish--I'll be back later.


Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Reader Jim Smith noted the post below about Lileks' new addition of old photos of city lights, which sparked some memories from his early days--Jim wanted to know what ever happened to the Alabama Theater. It's still here, and still going strong--here's a link to their online tour, which includes a nighttime photo of the wonderful restored electric sign on the front.



::little sniffly tears::--I have more workish stuff to do--and tomorrow morning will be another of those exciting bimonthly excercises of intrusiveness that requires me to be here at 7 and act all interested and awake. So, I must put up the toys and go do my homework.

See you all tomorrow, I suppose.



Billy Joe Bob adds some links

They are, however, not sausages. And the chips don't have ridges, either. And the eternal dwelling place is muchly complicated if you have dual points (likewise if you don't have a dwell meter). And Elroy learns new cuss words.

Go. Read.



Climbing Back Up

Two big iron feet are now in place as my big nekkid-butted buddy Vulcan is reassembled on top of his pedestal. The local NBC station and FOX station both have webcams trained onto the project, and I assume that they will stay in operation until the process is complete.

The folks in charge say he should be all finished by Friday if the weather holds up.

Good to have him back in place--if nothing else than as a poke in the ribs of John McCain.



Martha Stewart Mug Shot, Fingerprints Taken Quietly

Arranged artfully on a 5 inch by 7 inch buff-colored card, each fingerprint was made using special permanent ink produced by an elderly Chinese gentleman, Gi Xian in the village of Xiungu, where he takes lampblack (produced by the slow burning of a rare bamboo plant that grows in only one mountainous region near Manchuria) and carefully mixes it with precious aromatic gums and the oily ear secretions of the giant panda. The mixture is allowed to age for 10 years, after which it is prepared for sale. Each 5 gram cube is wrapped in rice paper decorated with caligraphy and handdrawn images of Qin, the first emperor of China, and tied with a small ribbon of pure silk. Ground upon a small granite mortar, the pigment is mixed with a drop of rice wine and distilled rainwater and applied to a small stamp pad, where each finger is then gently placed and then pressed upon the fingerprint card. Afterwards, a tea ceremony is conducted beside the water cooler leading to the Forensics Lab storage room.

It's a good thing...





Oooh--Sparkly!

'Nother new section for the Institute of Official Cheer--A Salute to Bygone Signage!

(Just a tip, Mr. Lileks, but us old codgers with antiquated, non-robust browsers and severe myopia and astigmatism can barely make out the dim red lightbulb titles and directional buttons--change the bulbs to some white ones, or better yet, get some of that new-fangled neon.)

THIS JUST IN--An update from Possumblog's Land of 10,000 Lakes Correspondent Toni Albani, who by virtue of living up on The Range gets to listen in to Mr. Lileks when he does Hugh Hewitt's radio show:
Yesterday, in talking about Hillary's book Lileks comes up with this droll comment: Of course she was gasping for air; any middle aged, out of shape woman would be gasping for air after beating her husband senseless.
Indeed.

Anyway, thanks to Toni for sending that in, even though she may protest that it's only a paraphrase, it is certainly less made-up than some things that you might read in the paper!



The new Blogger is here!! The new Blogger is here!!

Got here and logged in this morning and was met with a BRAND NEW EDIT SCREEN! Cool! And then there's THIS little gem:
You're using Blogger LoFi.

This version of Blogger has been designed for web browsers that lack robust Stylesheet and/or DHTML capabilities.

We're sorry if you reached this page in error ...Soon we'll allow you to over-ride the automatic re-direction.
WOW! I feel so antiquated--so weak...so low fidelity and non-robust!!

Of course, even if it's the ALL NEW DANO software, it's still Blogger, so I expect it to break soon. Or lose my archives. Or have a server explosion. (Their servers seem to be constructed along the same blueprints as old steamboat boilers. For a while thare it seemed like they were losing a Sultana every week.)

Then again, it might just work fine. Hard to tell. I like the preview function. The buttons now put in "strong" for "bold", and "em" for "italic", which is new, and different, yet still somehow a rather useless innovation. You know, it would be nice if they had more little buttons to do underline and strikeout and super- and subscripts and blockquotes and change font sizes or faces and junk like that.

But that's okay, I don't need this stuff. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.



Why I love the South.

Middle Girl had a soccer try-out last night, so after a couple of weeks of blessed relief, it was once more to the park to sit around for a few hours. Three to be exact--they went through an array of skills and games and exercises, and didn't get finished until 9.

One little scrawny 11 year old girl came up the hill after it was all over--all braces and glasses and freckles and pigtails (she looked almost exactly like Eliza Thornberry)--and she plopped down on the sidewalk with a water jug and said with great gusto, "Whew! Man--I'm WHUPPED!"

No where else, my friends, would you get that sort of combination but here .



Corrections and Clarifications:

From the stalwart defender of Mississippi, Patrick Carver of the Ole Miss Conservative comes the following:
Dear Terry,

Howdy from Patrick Carver! I hope you and your's are doing well. Now, with pleasantries aside... ;-)
Uh-oh.
In your recent post entitled "Thanks, Fritz" you make the comment, "Yeah, Windows XP is just wonderful--but in the end, it's still just a fancy version of MS DOS." I'm afraid, sir, that this is incorrect and, quite frankly, I expected better from the Opossumus Maximus of the Axis of Weevil.
Well, right now I believe we have found the source of the problem--never expect better.
You could call Windows 3.1, 95, 98, and the accursed Millenial Edition (ME) fancy versions of MS-DOS, since, well, that's what they were. However, XP isn't MS-DOS based. Beginning with Windows NT, Microsoft created a new and more stable kernel, which is the operating system's core.
I feel so...so...unconcerned. Remember, computers and I are not really that compatible, so anything that says Windows on it says to me that it will occasionally have to be given the Three Finger Salute to unfreeze it and it's still gonna have a C:\ and a flashing cursor somewhere in the mix, which seems DOSsy enough for me.
That's right, all this a-maizing technology is controlled by corn. "A-maizing"! get it? Boy, I'm too clever.
By half.
Anyway...NT begat Windows 2000 which begat XP which begat a lot of money for Mr. Gates. Hopefully this explanation with [sic] clarify things for you.
Yeah, yeah--XP is not a fancy version of DOS...

It's a SUPER fancy version, much like a Karmann Ghia, or a McDonald's with an indoor PlayLand.
And now for some reason, I feel like "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy." http://www.nwfusion.com/columnists/2000/0117cooler.html

Ta-ta for now,
Patrick Carver
Thank you, Patrick, for bringing this to our attention. The Possumblog Editorial Staff stand ready to make corrections of any substantive factual errors in the content herein. We ask that in this instance the offending two-letter suffix be seen more as an artistic foil rather than as indicative of actual performance or construction of the computer hardware and/or software in question. We do beg your indulgence at our obvious lack of technical knowledge and remind each of you that this journal is composed using a Tandy 5000.


Monday, June 09, 2003

Oh, good night, Irene--he left, and now he's back, jabbering, jabbering--I am ignoring you!! Please go away--he's yammering about "Monster House" on cable--something about a house for race fans--must...not...slap...him

My better angel from Vidalia stays my hand:
Hon,

Restrain yourself. You have to be on very, very good terms with your boss to get away with that. I know because I did it once -- both the slapping and the survival. But they'll never let you get away with it at a government office. Have to requisition the National Guard for that.

Janis
Hmm. Maybe so...but after he got back, and went through the synopsis of the entire show, complete with sound effects and his own laughter at every single syllable, he got to the point of why he came into my office in the first place twenty minutes earlier.

Holding up a sheet of legal-sized paper with hand-drawn columns and scrawly headings, he asked: "Is there any way that I can make this form using Microsoft Word, AND make it to where the paper is arranged like this." ::holding sheet sideways::

::sigh:: "Well, yeah, Laughing Boy [not his real name], you just--"

"WAIT A MINUTE!! I have to go use the restroom!"

"WAIT A DANGED MINUTE YERSELF--come here and let me show you this since you're here!!" So he walked over to the side of my desk, HOLDING THE FRONT OF HIS PANTS LIKE A SMALL CHILD, and stood there as I showed him the magical steps of File--Page Setup--Paper Size--Legal--Landscape and the wondrous technology of Insert Table. "TABLE!! YEAH!! THAT WAS IT!! I couldn't remember what that was!!" Still holding his little public servant.

"You can go now--you're making me uncomfortable in the work environment."

Starts laughing, wants to SIT DOWN AND START TALKING AGAIN!!

GO PEE, LAUGHING BOY!

Now then, with that in mind, are we all sure a few slaps across the back of the head would be so very wrong?

UPDATE--Miss Janis says I should remember the little children and pretty wife I have at home who would become wards of the state upon my incarceration. ::sigh:: What about a little accident? They do that on The Sopranos all the time. OH WAIT!! Why didn't I think of this earlier!? ::slaps self vigorously upon back of head in the manner he had proposed earlier:: I'll just play dead!! What good's writing something called Possumblog if I can't play dead! He'll come in, paw over my carcass, then leave! Brilliant! Thank you, Janis, for helping me to use my creative talents to avoid workplace strife!



Bush Adamant Iraq Had Banned Weapons 'Program'

Reuters Adamant it is 'News' 'Organization'



U.K. Scientist May Have Found Nefertiti Mummy

But are disappointed to find it is only Camilla Parker-Bowles...



Is it wrong...

for you to do serious physical harm to a co-worker whom you don't really like that much, but who seems to think that the best place to come and chat is in YOUR office, about stuff that only he finds hilarious, which is obviously disturbing enough, but who also then proceeds to take a cell phone call as he sits across the desk from you and he WON'T leave, and makes little "hold on just a minute and I'll talk to you more after I'm off the phone" signs with his fingers, even after it becomes apparent that I am ignoring him and typing something bad about him on my blog? Is that wrong?



The Big Game

So, then, the weekend. As I mentioned, it was tough and the other guys, gotta give ‘em credit, really put up a good fight, but in the end we were able to do what we had to do. We made some mistakes, but we also played hard, and were able to overcome that and execute our game plan. Oh, and hi, Mom!

Anyway, good weekend, even if I only got twelve hours of shuteye. In case you missed it, I even managed to work in a late update Friday evening with pictures of Chet the E-Mail Boy and the story of the thrilling trip with Middle Girl to the glasses place—scroll down to Friday. (No, I don’t trust BlogSpot links, either.)

Saturday was running around day—got up early and loaded a bunch of stuff into the back of Franklin to take over to the charitable donation place. For some reason, Rebecca got up early and dug out some of our old videotaped home movies and was watching them as we loaded stuff—wow, twelve years sure goes by fast—oh, and there’s the old house, and there’s the swing set when it was new, and there’s Oldest when she was tiny, stomping an ant on the octopus-shaped plastic merry-go-round.

The same octopus-shaped plastic merry-go-round that had just gotten loaded onto the back of the truck.

I am such a big squishy. They are way too big to ride the thing now, and it just takes up space in the backyard, and the underside of it serves as a convenient breeding pond for the mosquitoes—it was way past time to get rid of it, but doggone it, it sure hurt to put in the truck. I thought about it all weekend, and obviously am still thinking about it. All those little feet and hands and bumps and bites. All that “Push me, Daddy—FASTER!”

It’s just a nasty piece of silly blue plastic, you know. And the little center pivot rusted away a long time ago—I picked it up and the top came off, just like that.

Got it and the other bags of no-longer-coveted toys over to the collection place and the guy took it and the rest of the old toys and slung them inside of a big trailer. WHAMBump! He probably didn’t know any better—they try to hire folks who are handicapped, so it probably didn’t register with him when he slung another sack back there and it crashed with that sound that toys make when they break. Just a donation pickup. It was hot already, and he didn’t want to be there, and it’s just old junk to him. Christmases and birthdays and Easters and trips to the store and silly stuff from burger joints. At least we can still watch the tapes.

Finished unloading and breaking stuff and came on back toward home—next chore on the list was to get the oil changed in the truck. 3,000 miles comes around slowly since I don’t drive it that much—in this case it took almost two years. Drove in to the little place down at the foot of the hill (it seems like every time I write about a place I go, it’s just down at the foot of the hill, but they all are) and pulled over the pit. Couple of young guys up top—ball caps pulled down hard, one with a tattoo on his arm that in his old age will cause him to question his sanity at having it done. He was, however, suitably impressed—“What’s y’mileage on there, sir?”

“Two hundred fifty six, six seventy eight, and eight-tenths.”

“This’n sure paid for itself.”

“Yep, more or less.”

See, told you he was impressed. He and his pit man finished up, I cranked it and proceeded to fill the establishment with the rich, blue bouquet of burning oil as the stuff I just bought squeezed past the big gaps in the rings. Top it off a bit, close the hood, and I was back up the hill.

Came inside and the rest of the kids were watching the old home movies—Catherine was fascinated that these brutes who boss her around were once the same size as her. I was fascinated by the gigantic, swirly-framed glasses Reba had on. Eww. Not that I would ever tell her that. But those were some unflattering glasses. Girls used to wear these things—loopy legs that attached at the bottom side of the frame, bits of wire going all which way, giant upside-down rhomboid shaped lenses. And me? Aside from having more gray hair, I looked just like I look now, which is just how I looked when I was in college, which is just how I looked in high-school. I was, however, a very cute baby.

Went outside to see what all had to be done. First order of business was to fill up the bird feeders—I am very close to declaring victory over the squirrels and nasty wet seeds. The new feeders we got had just a tiny bit of icky seed in the bottom and have proved themselves much more irritating to the furry-tailed rats than anything else we’ve had. They seem to have decided to take the bait on the ground, although there is now the addition of Kelly the Bunny to the mix.

We’ve been seeing pretty regularly a rabbit hopping across the street when we come in at night, and as with all woodland creatures beside the road, Catherine decided it was her friend and needed a name. For some sort of lingual reason, every name is a variation on the cute-sounding hard-K-with-long E-suffix school of naming: Kristy, Keekee, Kandy, Kimmy. She has about five or six of these, and every animal has one of them. “Look, Cat—there’s a Canada goose by the pond!” “Thas my friend Kasey.” Never once is there a Bob.

So, our mystery bunny is Kelly. I walked out and Kelly had made itself at home beside the stump under the maple tree and quickly bounded off into the thin line of undergrowth at the back property line when I started making the rounds. “Don’t worry, little bunny rabbit—I’m not going to hurt you!” (Unless there’s a complete breakdown of the monetary system and I have to start putting some wild meat in the pot, and then all bets are off. Tell your little squirrel buddies, too.) All the feeders were in good shape, and even better, the little mousey-sorts had not been able to get into the plastic bucket of seed! Why I didn’t think about using a plastic bucket earlier is beyond me.

Got done with that, then trimmed up the rose bushes, which have needed to be pruned for about a year now. That in order, I figured I might better check the trees for bugs. The last two years have been really bad for Japanese beetles, and they nearly ate up Catherine’s cherry tree and Rebecca’s sycamore tree last year. This year I hadn’t seen any, but when I walked over, sure enough, the danged things were back again. I thought that maybe I was going to escape the plague since we bought a Honda, and there are like six or seven Japanese families in the neighborhood, but none of this seemed to matter.

Luckily, my vigilance did pay off this season, because they had just started chomping on the sycamore and had not moved on to the cherry. So it was back into Franklin, and back down to, where else? That’s right, the foot of the hill, to the hardware store for a nice bottle of thick, creamy liquid death. Yummy Sevin Concentrate—MMmmm-MM!

Sprayed everything is sight, and the bugs started dropping like…well, the obvious metaphor is just too obvious. Umm, let’s see…they started dropping like pants at an orgy. There, that’s better. Anyway, bugs suitably terminated, then it was time to dig in the dirt some.

Mexican heather, then some other blue stuff and some white stuff. Thirty-some pots, and right in the middle, I ran out of potting soil.

Franklin—foot of hill—hardware store—dirtbag.

I sometimes wonder if the cashiers ever get weirded out by the amount of times I come in and buy one thing, then come back in an hour and buy one more thing. Nothing to worry about, girls. Honest. (Although I will confess that I would be more likely to combine trips if they looked like Abe Vigoda, but hey. OOH THAT WAS WEIRD...when I first posted this, the link led to a picture of Abe Vigoda--I just now checked it and it was a photo of Britney Spears!! How odd--and the fact that the girls look like this is the reason I make so many trips in the first place! Anyway--the link has now been fixed to display properly the glories of Abe.)

Get back, dig, mix, plant—repeat until the rain started. ::sigh:: Good for the plants, not so much so for the stuff I sprayed on the Japanese beetles. Sat there in the rocking chair and watched it rain, and nodded off for what turned out to be a rather long while, then woke back up and the sun had come back out and the skies had cleared up again.

Get out bug spray, pour, mix, spray—repeat until woozy. Clean up mess, then get back to planting the remainder of the greenery. By the time I was through, I was tired. Really! So what better way to relax than to go BACK down the hill (this time to the grocery store, where there is a completely different group of cashiers who get frightened by my stalker-like behavior) where I picked up some ground up cow—got back, sprinkled them with seasoning, threw them on the fire, stood around, watched the hummingbirds, turned them over (the hamburgers, not the hummingbirds) and stood around some more. Eat, then get the kids going on their baths, and then time for the final episode of back-breaking labor, in which I try to figure out what’s wrong with the refrigerator.

Silly thing’s been slowly getting warmer, although until Friday the freezer part had been working. Saturday even it stopped working right, with the backside frosted over, but no cold air coming out. Although this has all the hallmarks of one of our typical appliance disasters, we were fortunate to have a small refrigerator upstairs that held most of the perishable stuff, so it wasn’t so pressing to have to get it fixed or replaced RIGHT NOW!

Slid it out, took off the cardboard compressor/fan screen on the back (nothing says protection like cardboard) and was met with huge piles of sticky, fluffy dust bunnies large enough to have made six of Kelly the Real Bunny. An hour and two different attachment-enhanced vacuum cleaners later, I had managed to get most of the coils cleaned off—my speculation was that the coils were so well insulated they couldn’t shed enough heat to keep the refrigerator cool, and the compressor kept running the whole time in an effort to make it cold, which made the freezer coils ice over. At least, that’s my theory. The ice machine did start making ice again, and the compressor finally did cycle off, but the refrigerator is still tepid. ::sigh:: Something else to spend non-existent disposable income on.

Dragged myself upstairs, showered, and got ready to…do class schedules! I finally got in bed around 1:30. And back up at 6. It sure didn’t seem like a whole 4 1/2 hours, though.

Got up, took another shower because I had messed my hair up so bad in that short time, molested Reba some, made breakfast, and then got us all in the van for church. Gorgeous day again Sunday, and we did indeed see the flock of Canadian geese by the pond, and Cat proceeded to name them and sing them a song at top volume. Which is cute, I suppose, but when it’s right there in your right ear, and it lasts for twenty minutes, it can be a bit distracting.

Got to the building, had to sub for a teacher who was out, then refereed the wrestling competition on our bench during worship, which makes you sometimes wish less for worship than for a warship. I have come to the conclusion that I need a set of four radio collars. Not for them to listen to—the kind they use for bird dogs. TZZZZAAAAAP! Probably wouldn’t have to use it more than once or twice.

Hmm? Pardon? This would be illegal!? Well, what about a muzzle? THAT TOO!? Sheesh!

Maybe we should just sit in the back. Of the parking lot.

Oh well. As evidenced by a stack of home movies, they’re only young once, so I hope and pray they grow out of the necessity to have public displays of sibling animosity.

Went and ate some Chinese food for lunch, then went to both the Wal- and K-Marts for Stuff We Needed, then back home where the kids helped put together some little bags of mints as gifts for folks visiting church, then went back up to the building for someone’s baby shower, then the kids did some more little gift things. By this time the place was fully of hyped-up rug rats whose parents had dropped them off and gone back home, so the volume was getting unbearable. I got Cat and we went to the auditorium, where I promptly fell asleep and drooled on my tie.

Evening worship came and went—I had to lead singing, which sounded like someone who had ingested large doses of a 1-napthyl methylcarbamate-based pesticide and baby shower mints. That finished, we stayed around and had some ice cream with the kids, then it was back to home, then to bed, then to here, where I am once again, very, VERY busy.

But not too busy to bore you with what you just got through reading!



Believe it or Not...

...but my daughter Rebecca can do this, too.

It's horribly grotesque, yet mildly entertaining.

(I wonder where she gets THAT from.)



Thanks, Fritz!

Fritz Schranck over at Sneaking Suspicions was kind enough to give Mac Thomason and me a link on his commentary about the New York Times piece which examined our state's new $1.2 billion tax proposal.

I wrote back to Fritz to thank him for the plug, and then got all long-winded. After I finished, I figured it would make a pretty good post, so here's my take on the Salvation of Alabama, Volume 312--

Our taxation problems (in addition to everything else we have wrong) has been an ongoing source of frustration.

The tax proposal put forth by Riley does attempt to ameliorate some of the more pernicious aspects of our system of revenue, but in the end, a far more destructive and divisive problems exists in our 1901 Constitution--from whence all this mess sprang. Unfortunately, piecemeal reform is only treating the symptoms of the problem (inequitable taxation and insuring an adequate level of funding for the public good), actually fixing the state can only be done by fixing the source of its woes.

This has been difficult to do for a variety of reasons, the most obvious of which is that a small group of persons in power control the means by which the Constitution can be altered or rewritten. They, and their cohorts in the lobbying industry, benefit mightily from the inherent patronizing unfairness and bigotry of the document, and any attempt at reform on a fundamental level has been beaten down. Repeatedly. Even the current tax proposal, for all the talk of historic reformation, is nothing that shows REAL political leadership, in that it is only a package for a voter referendum.

The Democrats (who comfortably control both Houses of the Legislature, along with every seat of state power except the governancy) see this as a way to win politically, no matter what happens in the voting booth--if it passes, they can say it was only with their efforts that they managed to help push it through. If it doesn't pass, they can deflect public criticism from themselves by either pinning it entirely on pony-riding, Billion Dollar Bob Riley (Filthy Stinkin' Republican), or by saying that they agreed only to put it to th' voice o'the people--not truly wanting to raise taxes on us po' folks, but rather wantin' to let us'ns have a say.

If this package truly is one that is necessary, it could have been adopted legislatively without first filtering it through a referendum--true leadership would have required representatives to put some of their political capital on the line in defense of their decisions, rather than being able to sit back and remain fat and happy no matter which way the electorate votes.

If this package truly is our salvation, what's supposed to happen if it doesn't pass the referendum?

There is no plan B.

Riley, I'm sure, sees the package as necessary given the financial mess the state's in, (and there should be no debate that it is well and truly in a mess) but his flaw are his statements proclaiming this as true reform. In fact, though, it's just shifting the burden around--it works within the existing framework of state codes which got us here in the first place.

Yeah, Windows XP is just wonderful--but in the end, it's still just a fancy version of MS-DOS.

The powerful few who benefit from the current situation (aided and abetted by the 1901 Constitution) will continue to benefit, at the expense of everyone else. No one seems to want to admit why it is we have had near continual fiscal crises, and we keep pouring money into a system that continually fails its us.

We are blessed with an incredible wealth of natural resources and talented, capable people. It is inexcusable that we allow it all to be squandered by (and upon) a group of individuals who work harder on crafting legislation to make the blackberry the state fruit than on representing our best interests.

Then again, that's just my two cents worth.



Despite the dire predictions...

...of East Carolina reader Jim Smith that the weekend would beat me by eleven points, I am proud to say that I managed to eek out a 3 point victory! Of course, I'm sore and stiff, but it's still one in the W column. Details later--right now I have to go to our Monday morning staff meeting so I can get some sleep. See you in a bit.



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